Tag: Writing

Nighttime.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I want to be alone a lot of the time, at least I think I do. But my disability means that the times when I’m alone are often the most debilitating for me.

Take now for example, as I write this post I’m lay in bed, and I find that one of my chargers isn’t working. I have other wires but they are not where I can reach them myself. And while I could wake the person I live with, and they wouldn’t mind, this is not something I deem important enough to wake them after 12 o’clock at night for.

In the past when I have had a problem, but not a serious enough problem, I have created bigger problems that I deem worthy of asking for help for. For example dropping my bed control, without which I am unable to move in the night, which causes so much pain that I am unable to sleep. But that isn’t something I will be doing tonight.

No matter how much I find myself wanting it, being alone reminds me what I am unable to do on my own, it reminds me just how disabled I am. Being alone for any long period of time is always going to inaccessible to me. And sometimes, like right now, it is difficult for me to accept that reality.

I wonder if I do you want to be alone or if I just want to be able to do things for myself? Or if what I really want, is others not to have to do the things for me. While all those things sound the same, I don’t think they are. Wanting to be able to do things for yourself and not wanting other people to do them for you or different. One is about independence the other is about being a burden to those around you.

But when you can never be alone for any meaningful length of time. When you always need the help of others to do the simplest things. You are always going to be a burden, or at the very least feel like you are a burden, in some way or another.

Maybe the reason I want to be alone is because I don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. And when I’m alone I can’t ask for help, so I can’t bother anyone, so for a little while I’m not a burden.

Not being disabled will always be inaccessible to me. And that means the life of those who aren’t disabled, the life of true freedom and independence, will always be as well.

So why call this post nighttime?

Well, if it wasn’t obvious that tends to be when I am alone, the most thanks to my messed up sleeping pattern. I’ve heard it said before that nighttime is the worst for your emotions, as this is when they are free to control you. And honestly right now I would have to agree.

Nighttime is when I am alone. Nighttime is when I realise being alone is inaccessible to me. Nighttime is when I cannot sleep.

Names.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?

My middle names come from other family names. One comes from a grandparent and the othe d from one of my siblings who died before I was born, so yes that they do have a special meaning.

The same applies to my first name. My name is Kathleen, but I went by Katy for years, to the point where I didn’t know this was my birth name until later in life.

But the way Katy is spelt is also significant. Being born with Cerebral Pasly, meant that didn’t know if I would be able to read or write until I reached that age. The joys of the unpredictability of brain damage for you.

This makes the fact that I enjoy writing even more ironic, and I hope shows you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Disconnection.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My Writing, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?

A story that doesn’t quite fit together.

As a sentence on its own own, this makes no sense. Which I suppose could be said to defeat this purpose of this writing prompt. But to me, this just seems perfect.

It seems like the perfect way to describe a life that has felt like it never ended up with anything. My mind always seems and a different page page to my body, and I really don’t know where my heart is half to time. But it seems to be the prevailing theme of my life, that these areas, nor any areas will ever line up.

Did you ever play that game where you would draw the top half of something, a person maybe, or write the first sentence of a story. Then you would fold over the page and hand it to the next person to draw or write the next part. And so on until you had a completed, drawing or a completed story. Then you would read the story out loud, or look at the drawing, and laugh.

You would always laugh at them nonsense that would be produced. When the person before I had no idea what had been written drawn. When the next step seemed to be off kilter with the previous.

My entire life, kind of feels like that.

I can’t say I have a bad life. There are some really great parts. But I always get a sense that I’m living a life that was never supposed to be mine.

I don’t mean that in the sense that I believe someone else should have had to deal with my difficulties. I’m frequently glad that while those around me have their own struggles, they aren’t the ones I have.

I mean it in the sense that it feels like I mind or a soul like mine wasn’t built for the life I have no choice but to lead.

Does that make sense?

Does it sound selfish? Is it selfish? I honestly don’t know.

But that’s where I got the opening sentence for my autobiography from. Or more accurately, I suppose the opening idea.

Interestingly, even my sexuality found itself fitting into this area. Despite that being a lot more difficult to figure out in many ways. And yet it sometimes feels like the only part of my life that makes any kind of sense, and as in any way within my control. But I have to be very careful with exploring that as I can easily get sidetracked.

While I know that my life will never slot into the life I feel I should have had. I can only hope that one day it at least slots together, and begins to feel like one life. That I begin to feel like one person, rather than several parts of a person that will never quite meet.

Why do I try to post daily?

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability Truth, My Writing2 Comments

If you actually read my blog regularly, which I thank you very much for by the way. Then you’ll notice I try to post something daily, occasionally though I will admit that I have backdated a post or two. But you may also have noticed that some of posts have more substance than others.

This is because I have more motivation to write on some days than others. But I force myself to write something, anything, almost daily. And yes writing this post about writing posts is me trying to write something with zero motivation or idea what to write about.

I do this because despite how difficult I find it write some says writing is freedom to me. Writing sometimes feels like the only outlet I have in life, the only level playing field that I have.

I love to write. I feel sometimes that I need to write, and yet sometimes that I can’t write. So writing something daily, is better than writing nothing. There was a time when I wrote nothing, and it was a very emotionally dark time in my life. At least it’s putting words to paper, or screen to be more accurate.

From what I’ve read in the writers groups I’m in, I suppose you could say I have a major case of writers block. I want to write so badly, I have all the ideas. But I often lack the motivation to work on my ideas, or worse the physical and/or emotional energy.

When I do have the motivation but I lack the energy, I feel like my body has yet again betrayed me, in the only thing I feel I’m supposed to be good at.

I’m disabled after all.

But every word, every sentence, every post is me trying. Trying not to let the doubts or my body win. Trying to do something that I enjoy, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Motivation, energy and disability

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From experience a know that my disability means that my physical energy doesnt always match up with my motivation and mental energy to do something. I often find that when I have the motivation or the desire to do something, that my body seems to disagree with the fact that I want to do it, and I don’t have the energy to even try. There are many things that I want to do with my life that lay on the back burner because of this.

I just wish for once in my life that things would line up for me. That my body and my brain would agree on when I can do something, that way maybe I would be able to be a little bit more productive, and actually get the things done that I am try to do.

Maybe then achieving things will be something I feel like, I’ll be able to do.

This was supposed to be something.

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I started writing and fell asleep earlier today, later me is going to hate that when I can’t sleep. But the draft didn’t save so I’m not completely sure what I was writing about.

Fatigue sucks. It’s like my brain just stops being able to function and I wake up disorientated and unaware of when exactly I fell asleep. It’s not fun.

Hopefully I remember what I was writing about. If not I guess thet ones just lost to the world.

The passage of time

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How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

It’s hard to define what a significant event is, as they’re so subjective. That in itself could be something else I write about. But the passage of time seems something universal I can write about.

The passage of time influences my perspective on life because it changes what is and isn’t important to me.

Things that are important in the moment, don’t often seem as important when the time has passed.

Now I know there’s more I can say about this, and more that I relate to myself personally, but I’m honestly lacking the motivation to write.

Many of these posts to be honest.

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Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.

Sometimes I start writing and I run out of steam, ideas, energy or all of the above.

So I guess this blog getting done, gets done. But not in the way I plan.

Many of the other writing projects I have, don’t get finished. I have the ideas just not the energy. Maybe one day huh.

5 things

On By Katy DalyIn Writing PromptsLeave a comment

List five things you do for fun.

  • Sleep
  • Play with the dogs
  • Write
  • Watch TV
  • Listen to music

I hope you’re able to write this list.

Remember it doesn’t matter what you for fun, just that you have something that you do for fun. Whatever that is, I’ve hope you managed to do that today.

Like everything else, this is just a dream.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

But perhaps a dream that’s a lot simpler than you might realise.

I would love a space to write, and read, that was completely accessible. That had shelves which rise and fall, so I could reach them all. A table which does the same. And a good computer set up.

Easily controllable lights, that if I was feeling a little fancy would have different multi colours. But honestly that’s about it.

It is the simpler things, relatively speaking that would make me happy.

And to be blunt it’s the accessibility more than anything.