Tag: Trying

The worst thing about being disabled.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

There’s a lot of rough things about being disabled, we all have different and valid experiences, but I’ve realised something that I think is the worse part as I’ve gotten older.

You’re still disabled when everything else happens.

Disability doesn’t go away when the world keeps turning, whether it’s good or bad things, you are still disabled through all of it. Whether someone is in hospital, or they’re going on holiday, you’re still you. Trying to exist in a world that feels like it doesn’t really want you there, and trying to be some part of the person you feel like you are on the inside. It never feels like enough.

But you can’t say that, because then you’re making everything about you, and the nature of your existence means that you do that enough already.

You just have to keep moving, keep trying, and ultimately failing.

My dog.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll post this one do you know or it’ll stay in my drafts. I guess if you’re reading this I’ve made my decision.

I love my dogs. I love dogs in general. But as I’m sure every dog parent will tell you, and they would be right, my dogs are special. But the thing is I can’t do everything that my doggy needs me to do for them because of my disability, and sometimes I feel guilty. Guilty that I can’t be the parent they deserve.

But the thing about dogs is they love you anyway, you do the best for them and that’s always enough for them.

Thank you girls. For making me a mum. For making me enough. I love you.

When you don’t like being around people but you have to be.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

One part of being disabled that people don’t talk about is the fact you have to be around people that you really don’t want to be around.

There’s no, I don’t want people like that in my life, when you need that person in your life. Cutting them off puts me in danger.

I’m not really a people person, but I’m forced to be a person that is always around people. I’m always waiting on people, waiting on them to do everything for me. To get me up in the morning, someone to make me food, to get me a drink.

And I’m supposed to be grateful. Always. It can never be to much that they’re helping me, while something I need at the same time. That just doesn’t make sense to people, when I’m getting the help I should be grateful, always.

The minute I’m questioning how they do it, asking for something some a specific way, or just having a bad and seem off when being helped. I’m not being grateful.

Adulting

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

There’s lots of different types of grief, and we all have to deal with it at some point in our life.

As well as the obvious and social accepted form of grief, I’m dealing with other kinds right now. I’m trying to deal with it all, as well as all the other parts of adulting.

The more I adult, the less I want to. I’m really relating to this quote right now.

Image Description: A two frame scene from Greys Anatomy, the quote in the frame says “We’re adults. When did that happen? And how did we make it stop?”

Sometimes all you can do is your best, and that just has to be enough. I just wish it felt like it.

Grudge prompt?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

So as I try to get today’s post in before midnight, so that I don’t need to backdate it, I see that I would actually quite like to answer today’s writing prompt. However, I’ve already done this and for some reason you’re unable to answer a prompt once you have posted it on your blog. Now, that would make total sense if they didn’t reuse writing prompts. And I honestly can’t remember what I wrote for this original prompt and would really like to answer it again again. At the very least, I think I should be able to see what I previously wrote to answer the prompt so I would know what I said before. But as it sounds, So as it stands I’m just going to give answers prompt go again.

Quick reminder of a regular disclaimer on this blog. A lot of this post in particular is going to be written by voice to text, it’s not particularly accurate all the time and I don’t really have the energy to closer go over the post to ensure it makes perfect sense. So please do let me know if there are any mistakes you find the only if they affect what the text actually says. I don’t write my black post to be marked.

So the prompt I want to answer simply ask if you are holding a grudge what you were holding about? And that is a hard question to answer then I thought it would be when I just wanted to start this prompt.

I think I will always hold a grudge against WordPress for not letting me answer this prompt twice.

But in all serious, I think I will always hold a grudge against society before excluding me. It makes so much sense when you’re on the outside that no one should be on the outside because you know what it feels like like. It’s hard to listen to society explain away it’s okay that you’re left there. Sometimes I’m just really mad that they don’t rip it down and start all over so that everybody gets a fair shot. Other times I’m mad that I’m the one on the outside that other people get to live the life I will never lead. And not only am I supposed to be okay with that all of the time, if I’m not, it’s my fault for not being positive enough.

Trying to be helpful.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So today, I pushed myself to do a lot, I went out of my way to be there for different people in my family. And as my wife always runs on the schedule of my carers, I had to fit doing what I could into them.

Honestly, that’s one thing. I don’t think people consider about getting carers, is how regimented your life has to become as a result. You have to do things at the same time every day regardless of what is thrown at you during that day that might change that. On this day, it was simply taking something that had been forgotten by one person to another, but I had to fit that into everything else I had to do and fit that into my care as well.

I like to do as much as I can for other people, it’s probably some internalised ableist part of me that wants to feel useful because I need so much help off others. As there isn’t much I can do for others, I want to be sure that what I do I do properly.

As I have to get public transport everywhere this can be quite difficult to do when it involves going to different places as it did today. But I do the best I can, and just hope I’m useful.

Shower night.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Showers are supposed to be relaxing apparently, though they don’t feel that way to me.

Tonight I had to shower and unfortunately I ended up getting injured. That’s not really what most people think of when they have a shower. But it happens and worst of all I didn’t come out of there completely clean. I’m difficult to clean and the situation in which I have to shower makes it difficult. So to be honest I don’t like to do it often. You can see why when you understand that it’s usually a painful process. And that’s not counting nights like tonight where I ended up getting injured.

At most I’m able to shower three times a week, this is what my care package allows. But if I’m being honest even that’s too much for me. I generally only shower once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. Now don’t worry I don’t smell, unless my incontinence has been having fun, because the carers wash me daily. Whether they wash me properly is another problem. But generally it’s not so bad only showering once a week. It keeps me clean enough I think.

All this is to say that doing what’s social expected can be draining physically and emotionally, even when you have complete help to do it. So whatever you can manage is enough.

Ignore anyone else that tells you otherwise, they’re not living your life with your situation and you’re doing your best.

And yes I’m reminding myself of this as well.

Why will I not work for free?

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

To be clear I don’t believe that anyone should ever have to work for free, volunteering or otherwise. If you choose to do so that’s completely okay, but only if this is a free choice, and for most people I believe that this isn’t the case. Most people seem to find themselves unable to get a job where they can be paid for there work, and so end up working for free, these situations are not a choice as far as I’m concerned. They may have no other options, and so this cannot be considered a free choice, if it’s the only choice you have.

Working for free is never something I will choose to do, but I recognise that I am in a privelleged position to be able to refuse to do that. I am able to get by in life from the benefits that I am entitled to, but so long as I am in that position I will not work for free. Beyond my inital statement, that no one should work for free, which of course also applies to me. I have more personal reasons why I will not work for free.

The biggest reasoning besides believing that I should be paid for my worth like anyone else, for me is energy. It will cost me a lot of energy to hold down even a part time job, that my friends is the joys of being disabled and having fatigue, I cannot affrod to waste the limited physical energy that I have, on something which does not benefit me, and I know that may come off as selfish but I honeslty think it’s fair. On top of this I must also consider the way that me working, will impact the benefits I am on, and the bills that I currently have to pay. Without boring anyone reading this, let’s just say it’s an incredible complex system, that means that only working either bellow or above a certain amount will be of actual benefit to me. As such I can’t just take any role for any amount of money that is offered to me, this further limits the already limited work I am able to do. I have to be smart, physically and finacially.

In a world that doesn’t want me to work, and would be quite happy if I did nothing at all with my life, it’s hard to fight against it at all. I don’t alwayes know if I want to fight against it all, maybe it’s just better not to try, but that’s what they want to me to think, right? And it feels like all I have left is to push against people wanting that.

It’s an uphill battle for everyone to work in the modern world. And lets just say, hills have never been designed for those of us in wheelchairs.

Now, you may be wondering what prompted this post, well let’s just say family pressure. Family pressure without truly understanding what I’m up against. Family pressure without understanding the complex of the situation. Family pressure that has been hypoctical to say the least, from those who had opotunities I never had, and threw them away. It’s fustrating to have people that don’t know your life, believe they do, and try to tell you how to live it. I’m trying and I just wish that was enough.

Concert fears.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog4 Comments

So tonight I’m going to another concert, and when you do this as a wheelchair user it always comes with a level of anxiety, especially when I go to a new venue.

Concerts are an odd experience for me, the music can help me feel free and part of a group, while the environment can make me feel more disabled than any other environment. It’s always hit and miss.

This is a concert I’ve been to before, and last time it was amazing, but my experience was helped massively by the venue. By the fact I could go in the crowd with everyone else, and be near the front.

The last thing I want is to be at the back, I’d rather be in the crowd and unable to see, rather than in some special area. In the past I’ve been in this area and unable to see anyway. The area isn’t really about me being safe, it’s about protecting the venue from being sued in anyway and I hate being in it.

But this time I know in advance that I will have to be in it, which I’ll admit it is better than not knowing. However it’s still causing me a great deal of anxiety. I’m hoping the experience will be worth the stress that venues place on me because of my disability. But this isn’t something I will know until I get there, but I can live in hope for a good experience right.

Wish me look.