Everything seems to go wrong at the most inappropriate time to go wrong. I promise what’s happened is now there’s dramatic that opening sentence makes it seem.

As I write this, it is nearly 5 am, I’ve already had to call for help once to get the remote control for my bed off the floor. I dropped it again, but was able to pick it up using a charger wire. Sometimes you have to be inventive when a problem needs solving in the middle of the night.

I dropped the remote for the second time, trying to look for a charger that I don’t even need. But the fact I can’t find it and I know that I had it makes me feel physically more comfortable than I already do, hence why I was trying to look for it.

Now I have help, but I have a rule that in the middle of the night I only ask for help when it is something very important. This much of a problem in the middle of the night. In other words, I didn’t think it was fair to wake someone else up for something that can wait till the morning. There’s only two things that constitute not being able to wait till the morning. One is dropping my control, as without the ability to move my bed in the night, I wake up in a lot of pain or I’m unable to fall asleep to begin with. The other is, if I’m falling out of bed, I would hope that one is self-explanatory.

Using my own rule, I felt comfortable given the time getting help. But angry at myself that I needed it so soon again after I did the first time. my experience of being disabled often seems to come with a lot of being angry at myself for things I can’t control.

I think this is why I get so distressed when I can’t find something, like the charger I was looking for, regardless of the time. I don’t even need the charger right now, I’m just frustrated that I don’t know where it is. The most annoying thing is that I know where it’s likely to be because I can’t find it. That is either on the floor where I can’t reach or caught in my bed, where again I can’t reach. It’s illogical for me to think that it is lost completely. And while I know this, my strong need to find it, seems to overwhelm me. I know this is stupid. I know that logically, I don’t need to find it right now, but still, I feel like I do.

But I think I get so distressed, because losing things, no matter how relevant they are represents the lack of control I have in my life. I’m annoyed that I cannot be the one to look for things when they are lost. Therefore losing something is even more distressing to me. These feelings are often amplified in the night, when I don’t feel able to ask for help, or when I am alone and I can’t ask for help.

I wish it didn’t bother me so much when I can’t find something, but knowing I don’t really need the item doesn’t change the factory I’m distressed by not knowing where it is. I’m trying to avoid the thought that if I was not disabled, I would be able to look for this charging right now on my own, despite the time. Logically, I know I should be thinking more along the lines of the fact that it is not my fault that finding this charger is inaccessible to me. But it’s hard to be logical, where internalised ableism is concerned.

I’m so tired. Despite how much I have slept during the day yesterday, as I mentioned previously. But I can’t sleep. All because of a stupid wire.

I am also now in more pain than I was earlier from trying to look for something I don’t really need. I don’t think this is helping in my lack of ability to sleep at this time of night.

It doesn’t even matter, at 5am this doesn’t matter, and yet. Why can’t I find it.