Tag: Thinking

Can you just.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

You know all those little things that pop into your head to check when you’re trying to sleep in the middle of the night?

Well I can’t check them.

I can’t check where that charger I don’t really need is, or if the front door is locked. Or if one of the babies are doing something they shouldn’t be in the night.

But despite not being able to act on them, I definitely still get the thoughts. I still want to check the heating is turned off or if the front door is locked.

And again, I can’t check them.

When it’s at it’s worse every thought feels like nothing more than a reminder of the things I cannot do.

I just wished the thoughts matched my body. That my brain and the rest of me were on the same page, just once. It would really do me a favour if I no longer had the things that my brain stated to me at the moment which I’m not able to do them.

Drafts.

On By Katy DalyIn My WritingLeave a comment

As I guess is the same for most people, there is in fact many unwritten posts in my drafts that I really need to write.

If you write anything, I think the easiest thing to say about writing is it’s hard to actually write.

Sometimes I think maybe it’s because I put so much pressure on myself with writing. It feels like maybe writing is the only thing I’m any good at, and it’s not like I’m very good at it. But I really don’t want to loose the joy of writing again.

I don’t think this is something within my control and I am trying though. We’ll just have to see where it goes I guess.

A confusing part of being disabled.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

One of the most confusing things about being disabled is the lack of expectations. This world is full of expectations, things we’re supposed to have done by a certain point in our lives that will honestly make no sense to me ever.

But as someone who is visibly disabled, no one expects anything of me, and that would be nice if it wasn’t so humilating. And honestly the fact that I find it humiliating is even more confusing.

I know these stereotypes and pressures are wrong, but it’s a slap in the face when you think I don’t qualify for that wrongness. Which is weird in itself because logically I know wanting to be mistreated in this way doesn’t make sense.

That means everything I do has to come from me and my desire to do it, and I get zero recognition for the extra effort involved in that. As all the recognition I do get is tired up in whatever inspiration porn others decide to create from my existence.

Staying anywhere else.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

So I spent the weekend with my boyfriend, with an interim visit home to walk the dogs and to receive personal care. And with his permission, I’m going to explore the Inaccessibility and the Accessibility with adaptations of staying with him, and by extension anywhere that isn’t my home.

It’s honestly difficult to list every adaptation an element of accessibility I implement to stay somewhere other than my home. I’m just so used to do it without thinking. So I’m going to cover a few of the adaptions of the way I adapt while staying out of my home. But the chances are I will miss some, still, I’ll do my best.

In order to stay anywhere other than my own home I have to spend the night in my wheelchair. That’s the first adaptation. While it’s not particularly comfortable, it’s my most comfortable option. My chair tilts which does help comfort wise, and my chair is the second most comfortable position I could be in outside of my bed. So it logically makes sense that I’m somewhat comfortable staying in it.

The second adoptions I make to sleep somewhere other than my home is to go without my personal care. This can make me incredibly uncomfortable or it can be barely noticeable depending on what state I’m in, without being to personal about it. This is something I’ve done on several occasions, and while I can’t say always gladly I can say they’ve been worth it. But just think for a second is this something you would be willing to do to do what was necessary or something you enjoy? It’s become the norm for me. I’m almost used to it.

Another adaptation I make is not changing my clothes. While this would be in someway possible, it would require help and would not be completely possible anyway.

This leads me to another adaptation I have to make, accepting help. This has always been a struggle for me, despite how much of it I need. To accept the help of others when I need it. I accept the help of my family and carers, reluctantly, but as a necessity. I do it. That said I still do struggle even with taking this help. And accepting the help of others in general is still very difficult for me.

Staying with the person I stayed with meant that I needed there help to plug in my chair. And also that I had to remember to bring my chair charger which I thankfully did. Though they were more than willing to do this one small thing for me, it still felt like a big problem. I still worried I would get in the way.

I think this in part my biggest problem with accepting things from others. I get used to my help coming from certain places and certain people. Changing this feels like I’m somehow putting myself in the way.

These are just a few of the small adaptations I had to spend a night or two away from home. To live with some sort of freedom from my care and I suppose my disability. And I can say with confidence that the specific time I stayed away from home that inspired me to write this, was definitely worth the sacrifices I make.

Internalised Ablesim

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

So here’s something I’ve just realised as I sit in bed. I wanted my earphones.

But there were inacessible to me, in other words I couldn’t reach them. But instead of shouting my sister to get my earphones for me. I finished my drink and asked her for another, and when she came in to bring it to me, I asked her for my earphones.

I often do things like this without thinking. Think of something else I need, or sometimes create something else I need, in order to justify asking for the thing I actually want by asking for something I feel is more valid to ask for.

In doing this it has just occurred to me that I’m hierarching my own needs, deciding what’s important for me to need to help with and what isn’t. So I don’t waste the time of those looking after me with something unesssary.

This is obviously now, it occurs to me, internalised ablesim on my part. Convincing myself that I some things I need or want don’t matrer.

I’m going to think on this so I may come back to it.