Tag: Reality

There’s no nice way for me to say this.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Sometimes I wish what I could do was the line for whatever everybody else is able to do.

I’m very aware of how selfish this is, but sometimes it just gets really old to watch people do what I never will be able to. It’s hard to always be the one that’s okay with being left out.

It’s hard to always have to be the bigger person. And if I am honest I don’t think I am as much as I want to be. I don’t really want to stop people doing things. I just don’t want to know that they are doing them.

It’s just hard to see every day.

It’s a bit much.

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A bad experience at a concert can really through me, and that’s what happened last night.

If you want to know more specifics about the experience you can see the TikTok I made here. A poor inaccessible experience, and that’s putting it lightly, throws the entire image I have of myself as a disabled person into question.

It makes me wonder why I even try, if I’m just going to be treated like that. It makes me wonder why I even try. It makes me feel more disabled. 

It shows me without a doubt that it’s society that makes me disabled, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad because I know there’s nothing I can really do about the way they want to treat me.

I just want to enjoy a concert. I don’t understand why that’s to much to ask.

Wealth is relative.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth2 Comments

I spend a lot of time just scrolling on various internet platforms, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that wealth is relative.

Seeing people complain about the price of things they’ve inquired about, that I don’t even have the money to look into, is a wild experience. The price of getting a swimming pool in your garden has gone up, oh I feel so bad for you.

Sorry, I know this is a very cynical post. And while I’m a strong believer in people’s right to do whatever they want with their money, sometimes the reality of this is just difficult to witness.

I think it’s because I know that society is going to keep me poor. Don’t get me wrong I live comfortably, but I am never going to have the kind of disposable money needed for a pool. I know those that do have the money have worked hard for it, and they deserve it. But I’m not even getting the chance to work hard to change my situation. And sometimes that just gets to me.

I know compared to some I have a lot of money, but compared to others I know, I have nothing. And I feel like I’m constantly torn between it could be worse and why isn’t it better.

I don’t know where I was really going with this post, as it goes against what I believe to differ that people couldn’t talk about there problems just because it could be worse. I guess I’m just airing my own problems and that’s that.

If it wasn’t obvious, if I win the lottery, which I do not play, I will be getting a pool, or a jacuzzi.

I can’t be left alone.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth4 Comments

Sometimes I forget that, because when disability is your normal you don’t feel disabled.

But when the person I live with came to me tonight and asked if it would be okay if they stayed somewhere overnight in a couple of months, I wanted to say sure, because I don’t want to stop them doing anything. But my first reaction was what do I do while you’re not here?

Now I’m lucky to have someone else that can come stay with me for the night, so that they can go and do what they want to do and I still won’t be alone. But it dawned on me then that means I can’t be alone. And as I write this, I really don’t know how to feel about that.

It’s like a reminder that I’m still disabled. And people who know me who aren’t disabled might find that odd because I am very obviously disabled and it doesn’t make sense that I would just forget. But I really don’t feel that way most of the time.

In many ways, disability can be a mindset. But this isn’t the positive mantra you think it is. It can lead to a disconnect between the body and the mind, that I’ve had trouble dealing with all my life. And can make the reality of realising I’m disabled, difficult to deal with at times.

Well at least you’re in the building.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog1 Comment

When was the last time you saw a live performance?

This is the prompt for today, but as I’ve answered it before it won’t let me answer it again. I’m at one now.

Getting into this building wasn’t easy for me, it was honestly testifying. It was something I can’t be sure I would have done if I knew what was expected of me from the start.

I was essentially pulled up several flights of stairs in my wheelchair, using an old but honestly good accessibility aid. I’ve included a picture of me using this below.

Image Description: A photo of myself in my electric wheelchair being pulled up stairs. My hands are gripped tightly on the armrest of the chair.

As this photo shows the whole experience was terrifying, and as I write this I have to go back down again.

Knowing the artist I’m here to see, I’m certain it was worth what it took to get me in here. But if I’m honest with myself I’m still upset by this whole experience. I shouldn’t have to go through this to have fun. Fun shouldn’t be this hard. Fun shouldn’t be hard.

The anxiety of this experience is going to leave me in more pain than usual for the next few days.

I’m torn between writing more about this now, while the emotions are fresh or focusing on the fact I’m about to here one of my favourite artists live.

I’m going to focus on the music for tonight.

There’s something I love about takeaways food.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What is your favorite restaurant?

Takeaways can actually be an accessibility tool.

A lot of people see things that make doing something easy as promoting laziness, but this just isn’t the case. I don’t believe that laziness exists and if you can do something in a way that is easier for you, you absolutely should. As someone who can’t cook, takeaways are how I cook. They’re both how I get to decide my own food, and contribute to the cooking in the house.

For me takeaways are an accessibility tool, though I love takeaways, even though I can’t always afford to have them. This can be seen as part of what is called as the disability tax, that is the extra money disabled people pay to have to live in such an inaccessible society.

For me it’s either takeaways, microwave meals or very basic oven meals. As I can not cook at all, and the person I live with has limited ability to do so. While society will tell you it’s easier and cheaper to home cook a meal, it’s not always easier (or possible) so the cheaper option isn’t always an option.

It’s also worth remembering the other areas of inaccessibility I face, such as my wheelchair or reliance on carers, that mean I don’t often go out to eat at restaurants. If I’m out I will eat, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone out to eat apart from with friends and family. So I’m answering this question from the perspective of takeaways rather than restaurants specifically, if that wasn’t obvious before.

My favourite takeaway has to be Mcdonalds I think. I like to keep it simple. But I also love a good subway. Something like Indian or Chinese is saved for special occasions like birthdays.

I don’t want to be disabled.

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Someone made a comment on how benefits are spent, because they have a job and the person they were talking to does not. You know the classic, you dont work, I do, and thats what you’re spending my money on. I am one of the reasons this person isn’t working, so I feel guilty.

They then said they would like my life, to not have to work, and to sit doing nothing all day. I made the point that they would then have to take my disability from me. And I would rather have their job than my disability, so I could do what I want with my own house.

I’m sure you know by now you might have figured that this person is someone close to me, someone who should have known better. And yet they still think disabled people are playing the system.

I don’t know how many times I need to say it to have someone believe me. But I really want to work, and I don’t want to need to rely on benefits. To suggest otherwise is a harmful assumption, and is just unfair. To judge people on benefits for how they spend their money is cruel, to say the least.

If you want to have the benefits, and the perks, you also have to take the bad stuff, the reality.

You have to take the fact that you will never be able to help people as much as they help you. You will always need them more than they need you. Your control is conditional. Being viewed as an adult is conditional. You’re only a person when they want you to be.

Being disabled or being unable to work, is not a ride to an easy life. In fact the reality is the opposite. And I hope when you have to deal with this yourself, because disability is a when not an if, that no one makes you feel the way I was made to feel.

Please excuse this one, its a little more rant like than thought out. I don’t really have the energy for thought out today.

Clothes.

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So I don’t have a hole today, but the reality is still the same. If I’m not comfy after the carers leave there’s nothing I can do about it. 

To say I’m not comfy today, is an understatement. But I’ve been worse, and I still have a day to get on with.

Worse, I’ve had to cancel my care call tonight so the person I live with can go out. So that means I’ll be stuck, being uncomfortable for 24 hours.

Its going to be rough.

What matters to me makes my life complicated, what I don’t want, I need.

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My fur babies are the greatest thing in my life. A lot of the time they feel like the only thing that gives my life meaning. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect in the way I care for them, but I always do my best.

I have to have carers, I hate having carers, I am never going to want to have carers. They feel like the bane of my life a lot of the time. They are so necessary for my existence, yet they make me feel incredibly disabled a lot of the time.

I’m going to admit that my babies aren’t the most well trained, particularly with oldest girl, she has a lot of accidents. I can’t and don’t criticise her for it because it isn’t her fault. But I’ve had carers in the past do that.

My house is clean, but sometimes things are missed for a little bit that’s the way it is. But my carers have complained before about this, and gotten me in some trouble with social services. Lets just say that recent events have made me concerned that they might end up doing the same again.

When you have to have strangers in your house, it can feel like the state of your house is judged a lot. My house is also there work place, particularly my bedroom. I literally have no space in the world that is just mine, and I hate that.

I can’t live in a house that’s a mess, without someone complaining, and I can’t do anything about the mess,. Additionally, what some would see as a major source of that mess, are the only part of my life that I would enjoy.

If I had to choose between my babies and the carers I would choose my babies, but making this kind of choice is something I know that I would suffer physically for.

The truth of the matter is I don’t want carers, I don’t want to have to live with anyone. I want to live on my own in the middle of nowhere, in a campervan, with my babies. But that is never going to happen. I’m never going to be able to be on my own. And I hate that.

So because I have to, I accept that I need carers. And if you don’t really know me that well, you may think that I’m perfectly okay with that. I always try not to cause more problems in life, and that includes complaining about a situation like having carers, to the carers. Honestly the carers I have could show me the same curtiousy, they spend a lot of time complaining about there job in front of me, but that’s beside the point. This politeness has been ingrained in me, and that’s another story, but it doesn’t mean that I’m okay with the situation. And i think I deserve to have somewhere where I vent the true feelings of this situation.

This blog, and my Tiktoks are places that I’ve found that have given me the space to be able to do that. That have given me the space to be able to be more open and honest with my emotions. And I feel like my carers recent intentional vialation and judgement of my me throug my Tiktoks have taken that from me. I checked by the way, she went back months to find dthe tiktoks she had issue with. For the record if it wasn’t obvious, I never include names of carers or companies in anything I record, write or say publicly, but you wouldn’t know that from the reaction I’ve had recently.

Now I feel scared to be open about my feelings publicly and to people that don’t know me. I feel like I’m back to pretending I’m happy with things I’m not happy with, just to make sure other people are not upset. I’m also worried that the carers can use the current situation to spite me and cause some real problems in my life.

For the timebeing I have privated my Tiktok account, and have made steps to block all carerers that attempt to follow me. One of them actually did add me, which I’m pretty sure is not proffessional. This is part of why I’m writing this entry. To keep opening up, and not letting people win, just because they have feelings about how I feel.

So I guess I just want to say, that just because things seem easy, because people have to do things, because they look like they’ve accepted things. Doesn’t mean any of that is true. Life is hard. Having no control is hard. Being judged is hard. These things, at least in my experience don’t get any easier.

I feel like I’d do life better?

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This one’s going to make it seem like I’m a horrible person, and maybe somewhere I am. But I need to do something with these feelings so here goes.

I doubt I’m unique in feeling this, I doubt any emotions are really unique. But perhaps I’m the only one willing to say that I feel this way.

As someone whose existence has taken many opportunities from them, watching others mess up the opportunities that they have is hard. Not least because I know that I will never have those opportunities myself.

I know what people say, that it’s easier to see how things are done from the outside, and think you can do it better. And while I don’t disagree with this, that a lot of my confidence may actually just be ignorance of the difficulties others go through. But there are certain situations that I think it’s not novae to say I’d do better in.

The irony is I think I’d only do better, because I understand the steps involved. And I only understand the steps involved now because I am on the ouside of the situation right now.

One example to try to explain what I’m talking about, would be to consider those who loose things or have important things become damaged. I think that I’d be better placed for this not to happen if I were physically able to do so, but only because I have thought about it at length. And I have only thought about it at length because I lack the physical capability to do it. I hope this makes sense.

Maybe this post is simply me dealing with my ignorance and emotions. Maybe I really wouldn’t be able to handle situations as well as I think I could. But the truth is as I will never find in myself in the situation where I will be in complete control of such a situation, I will never know if I will be any good at it or not.

Trust me when I say this example is an incredibly simple one. This can be applied to more complex and life altering situations than not loosing something.

My frustration at never getting to try certain things, and watching those that get the opportunity to do so, sometimes feels never ending.

And I know that it’s judgemental of me to think this way. I would never put this on anyone I know, because that’s just not fair. I am also very aware that people are trying there best. But I still can’t escape feeling this way.

I’m sorry to anyone I upset with the post. That was not my intention.