Tag: People

I didn’t think you’d want to go

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So the person I live with got invited to a party by a neighbour. I was also invited, apparently, but they told them I wouldn’t want to go. And I guess, it got me thinking.

I don’t know if I would actually want to go. I don’t know if that’s a fair question to be asked of me, when it feels like I definitely don’t get to make that decision.

Where the party would be I wouldn’t easily be able to get to. So I shouldn’t want to go anyway. I can’t actually work out if I want to go or I want to want to go. Decisions aren’t fair when they’re already made for you.

I’m angry that this one was made for me, but it was already made for me, before it was made. So I shouldn’t be angry, and yet.

When do I get to make a fair decision that isn’t controlled by the world around me or by my brain?

I’ll be in my room if you need me.

I wish I didn’t have to have so much to do with people.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

My carers were off with me this morning. They complained about things I couldn’t change and it’s really gotten to me.

It’s got me spiralling a little bit about the things in my life that I cannot change. I didn’t choose to live in a house with a garden that I can’t look after, and yet I feel like they’re punishing me for it.

I can’t change my situation and I feel guilty for it.

I don’t want to be around so many judging people, and yet I am forced to be because of the help I need. And at the minute it’s really bugging me. 

There’s someone in the house.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Don’t worry, this someone is expected and they’re only stating the night. But I get a bit uneasy having strangers in the house, even when they’re expected.

I feel like they’re judging me. Testing me on how good I am at being disabled. That’s how I feel when I am out in public. But my home is supposed to be my safe space, it isn’t that when they’re strangers in it.

It’ll be okay, I know it’ll be okay but I don’t have to like it.

This is when I feel antisocial. It’s not that I don’t want to be around people it’s that I don’t want to be around people in my safe space. Logically, I know that it’s okay, that I feel this way, that it makes sense. But it might not make sense in the way that my behaviour plays out as a result.

I didn’t even leave my room when they came. I figured it was better that I stayed out of the way. And maybe deep down, that’s why I don’t like to be around people, because I just don’t want to be in there way.

Maybe this adds to me looking disabled. Disabled people don’t want to be around other people after all. It makes sense that I would fulfil another stereotype, whether I like it or not.

By the time this post is published they’ll have gone. They’ll go and things will go back to normal. And I can be as antisocial as I want in my own home.

I can go back to being as close to being alone as I can be, and try to convince myself I like it better that way. Maybe if I actually keep convincing myself that it will be true one day, and at least that part of my life won’t feel like such a contradiction.

Being alone

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Sometimes, being alone feels inaccessible to me. And yes, I phrased it like that just to fit the blog, but let me explain.

I’ve only had to be alone for a couple of hours today. But I did have to answer the door to my carers during this time. I somehow managed to get myself caught in my charges. I have a habit of being able to do that, in ways you wouldn’t imagine.

Usually I have the help to get myself out of it, but tonight I did not. I panicked. however, I was able to unstick myself from the mess I had created and therefore let the carers in. But I know for a fact, this will now have made me nervous for the next time I am alone when I’m expecting my Carers to come.

But as I’m sure, whoever decides to read, this will know, being worried about something doesn’t mean you can avoid it. For me, it comes up every week or so at the minute.

The most annoying part of all of this is that I really want to be alone, I think. But because of my disability, I am unable to be alone for very long periods of time. And it’s just my luck that during the times I am alone, something seems to always go wrong, like tonight.

You’d think I would be used to it by now, not be able to be alone. But I don’t think you ever get used to the things in life that aren’t a choice.

Sometimes people are just too much.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

And it always seems to hit me when I have a lot going on, like this week. I never really get the option to just disappear like I want to sometimes, to just be away from people, due to the help I need. I get a couple of hours at most. But it doesn’t feel like enough.

Part of me would live in the middle of nowhere away from everyone, in these moments. But I don’t have the option.

I’m sorry I don’t feel like I can say more about this right now.