Tag: Internalised Ableism

I can’t find my cereal bar.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So as I often do when I can’t sleep at night, I was just reading one of those random facebook articles, and it mentioned someone who didn’t know how you were supposed to eat those cereal bars, you know the ones that comes with milk/chocolate in the bottom. This reminded me that yesterday or last night to be more accurate, my sister gave me one of those bars and I don’t remember eating it.

So now I am, maybe irrationally, worried that I have lost a cereal bar somewhere in my room. With two dogs I’m even more worried for there sake, I obviously don’t want them to have eaten it. I don’t think it would do them a great deal of harm, but I don’t want to find out the hard way that I am wrong, you know. And if they don’t eat it, which is obviously the better option, I just don’t like the idea of a cereal bar lost somewhere in my room.

The problem here, aside from the lost bar, is that I cannot go and look for the bar myself. As due to my disability once I am in bed, I am in bed for the night. Even if I was in my chair, I still wouldn’t be able to look for something I have lost properly on my own, though I would have a better chance of being able to do this in my chair.

I obviously cannot ask my sister in the middle of the night to help me find a cereal bar, that there is a chance I may have eaten anyway. When I say to help me find it, I’m being nice to myself, I mean look for it for me. She obviously would, but I make a point of not asking her for things in the middle of the night that are not completely necessary. And as much as this is bugging me logically, I know that it is not that important. I wish that would mean it would stop annoying me, though in my extensive experience of losing things I know this is not the case.

I think part of why loosing things bugs me so much is my disability, It’s the lack of being able to look for the things myself.

It’s the lack of control when something is missing.

It’s the helplessness from the fact that I am unable to solve the problem myself.

It’s the helplessness from needing someone else, as an adult, to help me solve what feels like such a simple problem that I wish I could solve on my own.

It’s knowing that no matter how much I want to be able to solve this problem on my own, I will not be able to do that.

So really what’s bugging me is not the cereal bar, it’s being disabled.

Not being able to walk has never really bothered me, well not much anyway. But it’s everything else that my disability leaves me unable to do. It’s all the missing things that are the hardest to deal with, like finding my cereal bar.

I will let you know, if I remember to post about it, if I end up being brave enough to ask my sister for the help I need tomorrow.

This is hard.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, Writing Prompts1 Comment

Describe your life in an alternate universe.

My instant reaction is to describe the non disabled version of myself. As if this is all I would be in an alternative universe. But really other than a few physical attributes which would aid in changing other things when I really think about it. What I would really be different about me is that I would be more confident, more outgoing. Actually achieving the things I want and not being stopped or slowed down by ableism and inaccessibility.

New accessibility aid.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I actually started this post at the beginning of the month, well I wrote the title at least. As the title suggests this was when I brought myself a new mobility aid. A phone holder. But I wanted to give myself some time to get used to this new accessibility aid, so that I could be sure I would actually find it helpful to me, before I wrote about it.

In the interest of transparency, I have since bought myself a better version of the one I had originally bought. Though in my previous post I talked about my use of an old Accessibility Aid being just as useful as something new. It is equally sometimes important to afford yourself something new if you think that it is going to help you.

I have to say that all in all this is one of the most helpful things I have afforded myself in a while. A simple piece of technology that holds my phone in various positions. Has made using my phone, which is a lifeline to accessibility and freedom in the world for me, a lot easier.

You can find the newer one I bought here, in case you think you might benefit from having it yourself.

But this post isn’t really about how good one new specific accessibility aid is for me. It is more about how socially difficult I found using a new accessibility aid.

I was worried that I would feel more disabled and for a while, I did for using a new aid. Society’s ableism is so strong that I as a full-time wheelchair user who is obviously disabled, worried about how disabled I would be perceived by the rest of society. The ableism of society is so strong that it can and often does lead to feelings of interlanised ableism. Where disabled people would rather suffer than appear more disabled to the rest of the world. But I decided to do my best to let these feelings go and give something that might help me a try. And it turns out it did.

I have felt this feeling several times throughout my life, with using a sling full time and having a permanent catheter placement to name just a few. Both of these massively improved the way I live my life. But my reluctant to use them in the beginning due to societies ablesim created many problems for me at the time. Avoiding the catheter specifically lead to me having anesthesia many times, that could have been avoided if I had gone straight for the permanent catheter. In other words I am saying that societies ableism was strong enough for me to choose surgery. Don’t underestimate how powerful ableism is, and how much harm it can do to a person.

But the point of this post is to say that I got over those feelings with time, and by putting myself first. And in every instance, my life was dramatically improved. So I guess this is just to say if it helps you, then you should use it. And if you think it may help you, then there is no harm in giving it a go. You will eventually become used to using it and more comfortable with yourself. Ultimately if you need it, use it. I know it’s not that simple in the moment. But future you will thank passed you for it.