Image Description: A 4 level grey cat tree with hammock and condo.
So it’s been a while since I posted here and I don’t really have a reason for why that is apart from life did its thing.
Honestly, I can’t remember when the last time I posted was, was it after dad died? I don’t know.
I now live alone, did you know that? Isn’t that cool? That’s something I never thought I’d be able to do, just like building this cat tree independently. If I do say so myself I’m doing pretty well, the cat tree looks nice and I haven’t burned the flat down yet.
It hasn’t all been easy. Recently I had to go without my Chair, and more importantly, Imogen while I didn’t have my chair, that wasn’t fun. But I think I handled that well too. And things are supposed to be hard some of the time right?
I don’t know when I’ll next write on this blog. It might be soon, it could be tomorrow, next week or next month. I don’t want to make promises I won’t end up keeping, so let’s just say we’ll see what happens. But I just wanted to say I’m still here, life is still ticking on. And I hope if you find yourself wandering the blogs of the world, and stumble across me, you’re well.
To the elderly people who wouldn’t move out of the wheelchair space on the bus, for me a wheelchair user. I would feel bad for swearing at you if you didn’t wave as the bus drove away.
To the bus driver, who tried to get them to move but gave in and just wouldn’t let me on the bus, grow a backbone and enforce the rules, that’s part of your job.
To the person reading this, who thinks I was too harsh, while I admit I acted in emotion and not logic, being older doesn’t make you right or deserving of special treatment.
To the person who doesn’t understand why this made me so upset, in part it’s just because it was yet another thing today, but missing this bus has also ruined my plans for the day. It’s pushed me back at least an hour due to connecting buses.
To the people who aren’t reliant on public transport, driving isn’t so easy for me, both physically and financially, that is to say if I could do it all. Access to public transport is not only my freedom, but my right.
The bus has been reported, not that I think it’ll actually do any good. And I’m now sat here waiting for the next one, hoping it comes in time to not delay the next part of my journey, that is of course, if I can get on it at all.
Life is weird at the minute, in many ways it’s very good, in others it’s so hard. I’ve been living independently for the last month, and that has been an experience.
I have learnt that I can do a lot more physically than I thought I was capable of, to not only look after myself but also my babies. I have learnt that I can live a life I’m comfortable with, at least to a point, and I think sometimes that s all you can ask for.
I have learnt that you can make the best out of difficult situations, while respecting the fact they’re difficult.
I have learnt that sometimes you’ve got to just try.
My sister, who I’ve written about here before but tried to be vague with, has moved out. She was my carer but is now pregnant and therefore can no longer do that. In order for the flat to be accessible to me it is also cannot be made safe for a baby, so she had to leave.
It’s been complicated, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t relived that I am alone now. Which is weird because I didn’t expect this level of relief, if I’m honest. I thought I would be more anxious. But instead I feel good. And the house isn’t even completely mine yet. I’m looking forward to how I’ll feel when it is.
Today I did a lot of little things, they were all new, and I’m quite proud of myself for doing them. But I don’t think most people would even call them skills, and that’s just sad to me.
I realised today that if something feels important to you, it is allowed to be important. It doesn’t matter if other people would find it important, you do and that’s all that matters. You should celebrate your wins no matter how others may view them, and that is what I did today.
I’m going to list the wins I made today:
I travelled to a place I’ve been to regularly but never on my own before, on my own
I figured out a change on the train, on my own.
I got on and off a train alone.
I ordered food from my phone and then picked up that food order.
I got a drink from a dispenser.
I got money out at the post office.
I returned a package.
These might seem unimportant but I honestly felt good that I managed to do all of this.
So first I want to apologies for my absence. It feels weird to continue life after losing someone close but life continues to go on whether you like it or not, so I’m trying to get back into this.
So the person who I live with is pregnant, and they are looking at moving out. So that leaves me at least eventually when they can find somewhere to live, living alone. And while there is no time scale on when this will happen, I’m still trying to plan for when it will happen. For whatever living independently is going to look like for me.
But living independently for me also means living with a dog, I can’t imagine my life without my babies. But one of my carers is very concerned about my ability to manage and in all honesty it’s getting on my nerves now. I’ve not even started trying and she’s already expecting me to fail because I’m disabled, I just don’t think that’s fair.
Sure it’ll take some working out, but I can do this. And I’ve got time to work it out. The only problem I can see is that she sometimes goes to the bathroom in the kitchen in the night. This is something I can clean up once I’m up, but obviously I won’t be up until the first time the cares have been in the morning. And if it really bothers them they can get stuff ready including water the night before, the bathroom is through the kitchen, so they won’t have to go through the kitchen until I’ve had the chance to clean everything.
I literally cannot think of another issue with having her that I can’t solve.
Any anything that might be a little more difficult is just worth it to have her, to live with her, to have my baby.
I deserve comfort and love. And a chance to live my own version of independence and for me that includes living with a dog. I don’t think that’s unfair, even if she sometimes goes in the house. It’s not like I have no way of cleaning it at all or I’m asking them to do it.
Anyway I have time to sort this. I just wish people would leave me to my business, and at least let me try before they’ve decided I’ve failed.
There’s a lot of change in my life lately, none of which I have been able to have a say in. And it’s very annoying to have people judge how I’m dealing with it all, when I’m just trying to do my best.
Image Description: A picture left to right of my yellow Labrador, brown and white caviler King Charles and grey cat all lying or sitting on my bed on a blue blanket. Behind them is two asexual flags on the wall.
I would love just to go to spa, to be somewhere warm with good food and lots of dogs. Somewhere I could be completely alone and independent, and at least right now, somewhere I wasn’t disabled.
This is what makes the question so hard for me to answer right now because not only is it reliant on lots of things being different than they currently are. It’s reliant on fundamentally not being me, at least right now.
This is how living with a disability works and disability pride works. it’s not linear. Pride is not linear.
Sometimes it’s really difficult to be happy with who I am and the life I have to lead. And that makes it very difficult to picture my ideal anything, when it all seems really far away from me.
I think my ideal week would just be me being happy, comfortable, not in pain and independent.
I don’t understand why people do it. That’s a lie I do understand it. I just don’t like it.
Today someone gave me “advice” that I didn’t ask for, and it’s less what they said and more the implications that came with what they said.
I was travelling with someone else who need some assistance to walk independently. This could not be achieved safely on the pavements, due to the uneven nature of the pavements, and so it was safer for us to be in the road.
But someone decided to pull up and inform me that doing this was dangerous. The way you would tell a child not to walk in the road, or play in the street as they say.
Firstly I am an adult. I am cable of keeping myself, and the person I was with, safe. You wouldn’t assume a non- disabled person wasn’t able to do this, so why are you assuming this of a disabled person?
Secondly, if you see a disabled person doing something you don’t understand, don’t immediately assume they’re doing it wrong. A lot of disabled people learn how to do things safely, but differently to how you might consider something should be done. You’d be better of assuming that they just know what they’re doing unless you are sure they aren’t.
I promise you, no disabled person, and especially no wheelchair user, is going in the road for fun. Pavements are a lot less accessible than you might realise.
I promise I know how to exist in an inaccessible world as a disabled person. I’ve been doing it long enough.
Your advice isn’t needed or wanted, and is frankly very insulting.
Honesty I don’t know. And that might be a question I have to answer sooner rather than later, given the current situation I find myself in.
There’s lots of factors to be considered here, but with this post I will be focusing on whether I could do so emotionally rather than practically.
I don’t know if I’m more worried to try just because it’s scary to do new things or because I’m scared I won’t be able to do it.
It’s hard sometimes being so physical disabled, being so reliant on others, and being so acutely aware of just how reliant you are. I think the push to possibly living on my own is a reminder of this. And the fact that it’s not exactly on my terms makes it all that little bit more emotionally challenging.
My Inaccessible Life 