So first of all, I want to apologise because this is another backdated post. I’m actually going to write this one and then write tomorrow, which is today’s straight after. But I think I can class this as a backdated post for a good reason.
For the first time in a really long while  I went out with some friends that I haven’t seen some of them in years, because it was one of their birthdays. It was such a fun day. And all honesty, I didn’t feel disabled for most of it. Which is nice.
Usually this only happens if what I am doing is incredibly accessible. it wasn’t. It was about accessible as everything else usually is. I’d say there weren’t many problems, but there were some. The reason I didn’t feel disabled I think because I was with other disabled people. While I’m not a fan on segregation in anyway there is something to be said about the ease of being with people who aren’t gonna question why you do things a certain way or why you can’t do certain things. There’s no awkwardness if I ask for help. I feel like I can ask for help, probably because I’m not the only one that needed to ask for help.
Inclusion is about more than just being in the room, it’s about being made to feel like you belong in the room. This is something I feel very people who are not disabled. And I feel many disabled people I just meet more than family for example.
It’s just that shared understanding. It’s just nice for it not to matter that I’m disabled for a while.
So I had a really fun day, came home and fell almost immediately asleep. I couldn’t have my Care because I’d stayed out late, but that’s not something I really want to get into on this positive post.
So last night I went to another concerts and in contrast to my experience at my last concert, this one was very accessibility.
Image Description: Shows my hands and the person I was with touching the barrier at the concert.
While some others people at the concert didn’t like it that I was there and took up a bit more room, I honestly don’t care. I deserve to be there and take up space.
I was not a danger to anyone there as I have been previously told I am. My safety and there safety wasn’t compromised. Maybe this would be the case in a heavy metal concert, but dokt worry I just won’t be going to those.
This was a life-changing experience for me, not only the concert, but to simply truly be part of a crowd of people. Concerts are about more than music.
I just want to be able to experience concerts like everyone else, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. I just wish it wasn’t so hit and miss as to whether I get to feel truly included in experiences just because I’m disabled.
This post is a part two of sorts to my previous post written before I the main act of the show I attended had come on stage, you can find that post by clicking on the link here.
The video to the left shows a Tiktok I created documenting this experience.
Now that I sit here after the show, I want to say more about how this actually felt. As I said in my previous post, at the time I wanted to ignore how I felt and focus on the experience of the concert, I am very glad I was able to do that. While it was definitely worth it to see one of my favourite artists, I have to admit the experience was still a difficult one for me.
The reality of attending concerts for me is a very emotional experience. Sometimes, though rarely it can go extremely well, most of the time, it doesn’t go the way I imagined. I can only think of one instance in all the concerts I have attended that I completely enjoyed the whole experience and didn’t feel like the accessibility of the venue got in my way. Most of memories of concerts are tainted by the inacessible I experienced.
I am not talking about whether or not I can see the stage necessarily, or even how close I am to it, though that can be a factor. What really gets in the way of my experiencing a concert is the elements that I have to do differently because of my disability. Whether I have to go in a different enterance, or be in a different section, though it’s usually both. In part I always feel like this ruins a small part of the experience. Depending on how bad the experience on the night is, sometimes it can feel like it ruins the whole show, though thankfully this wasn’t the case last night. That said if I am honest with myself, it was in part ruined by the access, just not completely, so I guess that’s something.
It’s a shame really, because for me music itself is a very unifying tool. It is one of the only parts of society that I feel I am able to access the same way as everyone else, to be blunt I feel normal when I’m lost in the music. So it really is sad to me that concerts can often have the opposite effect on me. That they can often make me feel more disabled, more segragated from the rest of the world. All I really want is to be able to experience concerts the same way as non-disabled people do, as part of the group, as a person.
I am not nieve sometimes, like last night, it is the building itself that stops me from being able to have this experience. In these instances I woild argue that the concert should move to a different venue, but some would say that I am being selfish for saying this. It’s weird being disabled sometimes, being told that I’m selfish for wanting what everyone else has, is it really to much to ask?
As I wrote this entry, I had to stop myself from blaming myself for being disabled, rather than the building I was in for being inaccesaible to me. Growing up disabled you learn from society that you are the problem, and while logically I know this isn’t true, it is really hard to escape from these feelings. Especially when society says that you don’t deserve to be a part of all it’s elements, like fun.
I don’t see it changing anytime soon. In a society that only just about thinks we deserve to live in it, and not if they think we might have to change it in any way for us to be included, true inclusion just seems unlikely. It just doesn’t feel like I matter enough for anyone to want me there, I’m to much of a hazzard for them, I am simply to much work. But hey, at least I’m in the building right?
When was the last time you saw a live performance?
This is the prompt for today, but as I’ve answered it before it won’t let me answer it again. I’m at one now.
Getting into this building wasn’t easy for me, it was honestly testifying. It was something I can’t be sure I would have done if I knew what was expected of me from the start.
I was essentially pulled up several flights of stairs in my wheelchair, using an old but honestly good accessibility aid. I’ve included a picture of me using this below.
Image Description: A photo of myself in my electric wheelchair being pulled up stairs. My hands are gripped tightly on the armrest of the chair.
As this photo shows the whole experience was terrifying, and as I write this I have to go back down again.
Knowing the artist I’m here to see, I’m certain it was worth what it took to get me in here. But if I’m honest with myself I’m still upset by this whole experience. I shouldn’t have to go through this to have fun. Fun shouldn’t be this hard.Fun shouldn’t be hard.
The anxiety of this experience is going to leave me in more pain than usual for the next few days.
I’m torn between writing more about this now, while the emotions are fresh or focusing on the fact I’m about to here one of my favourite artists live.
What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?
I used to love holidays.
But as I’ve grown up I’ve realised just how small my world seems to be compared to those around me. How many options they have to spend with other people that aren’t me, and how few options I have.
Holidays are difficult for me, not wanting to get in the way. Feeling like I’m around because people think that they have to have me around, rather than them wanting me around.
Part of me would just rather to be alone on me own for most holidays. But I can’t do that without the person I live with needing to be with me. So I’m kind of stuck going so they can go.
This is before we even get the fact that of the limited family members whose homes are accessible to me, none of them are easy for me to get in.
So I guess this one is a reminder that not everyone likes holidays. Holidays are not easy for everyone. So be kind.
This time I definitely am. But telling the truth about this just seems selfish so I won’t.
It hurts honestly, when those close to me do things without considering me, even when I say it’s okay. I feel like I’m being left out, and sometimes that just really gets to me.
I know that living my life as a disabled person there is always going to be things I can’t do, there is always going to be things that aren’t accessible to me. If there wasn’t I wouldn’t be disabled. And part of me really wants to tell people that if I can’t do something they shouldn’t be doing it. But I understand how completely selfish that is so of course I wouldn’t do it. Of course I wouldn’t say I don’t want you to do that because I can’t. Why would I do that? But the truth is I really don’t want you to do some things because I can’t do it.
It makes me angry and upset, and quiet. I’m not really sure what more to say about this situation. I’m sorry that I’ve not said more. But I think I’m still angry, whether at myself or them I’m honestly not sure. I want to say I’ll write more later, but if you’ve read this blog for a while you know I would probably forget.
I’m also not having a shower tonight, and if I’m honest the definite reason behind that is because I do not want to get more in there way. I do not want to take time away from them having fun by showing, because that honestly just doesn’t seem fair to me.
That’s because purple is my favourite colour. But there are some other emojis that I really love.
There’s this one: 🩶 the grey heart.
There are two reasons I love the grey heart. The first is because my cat Ellis is grey, so I often use this emoji when posting about them. The second is because it means I can post all the colours of the Asexual Flag in emoji heart form: 💜🤍🩶🖤. That’s the purple heart, followed by the white heart, followed by the grey heart, followed by the black heart.
I feel like here I need to take a second to inform you that for my dogs Bella and Immy I also use coloured hearts. For Bella I use the brown heart: 🤎, and for Immy I use the yellow heart: 💛. And now just because I have an excuse to, I’m going to include a picture of all three of my furbabies below.
Image Description: From left to right lay on my bed is Bella, my brown with white markings caviler king charles, Ellis my grey cat with white markings, and Imogen my yellow labrador.
So back to emojis. Obviously as an aminal lover I love the dog and cat emojis: 🐕 🐶🐈🐈⬛️😺. I particularly the black cat emoji and the panting dog emoji: 🐈⬛️🐶, as I think they are similar to Ellis and Bella. Then we can’t forget the paw print emoji: 🐾, which is just so cute.
Then I’ve got to say that I love the wheelchair emojis:👩🦼👩🦽🦼🦽👨🦽👨🦼. I love that there are different types of wheelchairs included in these emojis, and this one: 👩🦼, is similar to my wheelchair, which makes me even happier.
I also have a family member who cannot read or write, but who uses the colour of emojis as one of there ways to communicate. Which is really nice.
I think emojis are both a great tool for accessibility as well as just being a bit of fun. It’s nice they can tick both boxes.
I had a great experience at last night concert, surprisingly.
I’m not sure if I will ever get used to having a positive experience at a concert. This was lovely.
I actually got to go slightly in front of the barrier, so this was probably the only time at a concert where I’ve actually had a clear direct view of the artists on the stage.
My view is usually blocked if not by people, which is expected, then by the height of the barrier. But this time was great.
I honestly don’t think that it’s too much to expect to be able to see the artist at a show you’ve paid for. But some people seem to think it is when you’re disabled.
That said I would rather be part of the crowd than in a separate area any day of the week. Though there are rare occasions that this can have advantages, this is very dependent on the venue.
Last night I slept for 12 hours so I feel ready for the concert I’ve got this evening. But knowing my luck I’ll be tired by the time actually comes around. Sometimes my own body doesn’t want to make fun accessible to me.
Though my body is not my biggest concern on a concert day. I feel better once I’m in the building and I know no one is going to try to make me leave. It’ll be worth it I know it will be, but there’s a lot of anxiety involved in going to a concert for me.
I really want to see that it baffles me that society hasn’t thought of the need to make concerts accessible to disabled people. But in order to say that I would have to be naive and forget that he just doesn’t care about disabled people. We’re not allowed to have fun.
I really just wish having fun was more accessible, it’s always so complicated, and has so many moving parts. So many that I find myself unable to deal with them and leave sorting the accessible to the person that goes with me. I just got too angry to see it with a clear head. I can’t get past the fact that it shouldn’t be this complicated to go to concerts if you are in a wheelchair. That when the venue itself is accessible, there’s no need to make it as hard as many venues do.
That said, I hope this will be a fun experience. And I actually get to meet the artist (hopefully), which makes it even better. When I say hopefully I do have a ticket to meet the artist, but whether they will actually let me do that is another question. I’ve never done this before so I’m slightly nervous that my disability might make this complicated as well. Or I should say that the venue will use my disability to make this more complicated. But I hope it will go well.
The reality is I don’t know how this will go until I am there. So I will just have to wait and see. And try to focus on the best part of all of this, the music.
I love music. It is a tool that makes me feel part of society, mostly. I feel the same as the others who listen to it. It’s only when I go to concerts that things can get complicated. But music itself is the least complicated way for me to be part of society.
Many people criticise social media but I believe the criticism is firmly how some people use it, as apples to the fact it exists as at all.
I believe this because social media is a big part of how I access the world. It’s how I not only keep in contact with the people I know, but more generally the world around me.
For me social media is completely accessible, most of the time, and I recognise what a privileged position that puts me in. It means I am able to access the world of social media as if I were not disabled. Maybe that’s why I love it so much, because for me there are no barriers that exist in the real world.
So if you have a bad experience on social media, remember not to judge the platform but the individual people that were rude or mean to you. The platform can do so much good. And my blaming the platform for the actions of people you take the responsibility from people for there actions.
My Inaccessible Life 