Tag: Help

Choices.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Or lack there of.

When I need help to do something that I don’t have any control with when and sometimes how it will be done.

I like to walk the dogs first thing in the morning, simply to get it done. But if the person I live with disagrees, like they did this morning, I have to wait for them to want to do it.

I loose the argument of when things get done when I need to help to do them. And today is just one example of many.

Sometimes it really gets to me, the simple fact that often I can’t just do what I want when I want. The fundamental lack of control is something I don’t think you can really understand the impact of unless you experience it.

The inaccessible of the irrational.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

It may be a hodge assumption on my part, but I truly believe we all do irrational things from time to time. Like checking the front door is locked, or in my case the same spot on the floor is clean.

Just because you’re disabled, and doing these irrational things might be more difficult for you, doesn’t mean it takes away the desire to do them. I wish it did.

I sometimes wish I didn’t want to do the difficult things in life and then maybe my life wouldn’t feel so difficult. But in reality it means that I would have to do not want to do almost everything. Even then it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t experience these feelings again. And I know no one can live a life and not do anything.

I want to check that the same spot I watched my the person I live with clean on the floor is clean, but to do that I need her help. I need her to put the cleaner in reach, and of course she asked why I wanted this. So when I told her the truth she got upset with me, as if I’d accused her of not cleaning it properly. This isn’t what I was doing. It’s just annoying me, and I would feel better if I could check it.

If I wasn’t disabled, or to phrase it from happier me, if my home were more accessible. I would be able to do this without asking for her help, and so I wouldn’t annoy her. But it isn’t so I have annoyed her.

Sometimes I just want to do things for myself, but that is almost never possible when you’re me. That really gets to me sometimes. To be honest it makes me feel like my own existence is inaccessible to me. But this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this, and I don’t think it will be the last.

This blog is honestly one of the only places I feel truly free, and as in control as possible.

I’m going to try and do the floor now, wish me luck.

After writing this post last night ready to post this morning I discussed it further with the person I lived with and they cleaned the floor for me, meaning that I didn’t need to do it myself. I have some thoughts about that that I wanted to share as well.

So I didn’t have to clean the floor myself, which saved me physically, but I feel like having someone else do something for me again has had an emotional impact on me. I know I could have done it myself if I was given the chance, but sometimes when you visibly struggle doing something, people don’t want to give you the chance, I think that’s what happened here. They meant well, but they didn’t even want to let me try to do it themselves, and I didn’t want to upset them by arguing that I could do it myself. So I just let them do it.

It makes me feel like I’ve failed at another physical goal I have set myself, I feel like I’ve failed at something that’s so simple that I should be able to do myself. I just wanted to try, to have it done my way, and I didn’t get that. I’m trying not to feel to guilty about that honestly, but it can be very hard. To be honest with you, I rarely get the chance to have things done the way that I want to. But that’s just what happens when you need a lot of help from others, you rarely if at all get any control over it.

It sounds ungrateful, I know. But just imagine if you had no say in all the little things around you. If you couldn’t decide exactly how your coffee was made, because when someone does a lot for you, you can’t ask them to remake coffee that is just wrong. That’s to ungrateful.

It’s not being able to do the little things that really get to me. And that’s why I’m trying not to overthink the floor, remind myself it’s done now, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter now.

I’m glad I have the help I have, I just want the space and time and access, to do things by myself sometimes.

To my phone. 

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

I know that online shopping has its criticisms, but for me it’s the most accessible form of shopping.

It’s a type of shopping I am able to do on my own. I can by whatever I want, with in my budget,  and have it delivered to my house.

I can manage in a standard shop, but there are usually some points I’m forced to ask for help. And I’ve worked on that to the point where my anxiety doesn’t stop me doing it anymore. But it doesn’t mean that I like to ask for help. So ways to avoid it are always good.

There’s a hole in my pants

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment
Image Description: Two fingers spread around a small hole in a black pair of pants. There’s also a lot of dog hair visible in the photo.

Now I’m aware having a hole in your pants isn’t a big problem, but it is problem that I’m not able to do anything about. And that makes it worse than a larger problem I could solve.

Once I’m dressed in the morning, I cannot get changed until Carer comes in the evening. The person I live with cod, undress me but not put any clean clothes on me. So I have to decide that I don’t need to go out for the day before I get them to do that.

While it would be possible for me to get more care in the day, in fact, this has been suggested to me several times. Getting another call would mean that I have to stay home or home in the middle of the day. I already have to be home for a certain time in the evening, I don’t want to sacrifice more control of my life the fact I need Carers. I don’t even like to leave the house, and that’s a whole of the story. But I really appreciate the ability to leave if I want to, and I’m nervous of doing anything that could take that away from me.

And then there’s the cost of my Care and what would happen if I cost the system too much? And while there is an issue, I try not to think about. It is something that is on my mind when considering how much help I will take from the government. I’ve seen the horror stories. And I’m not prepared to give up my babies.

Regularly needing help from others comes at a price. This price can look different for different people, but it is always there. Just be aware of this when you think somebody has it easy because they have everything done for them. I would much rather be able to do it all myself,,whenever I want, the way that I want.

I am aware that this is such a stupid insignificant problem, and those are those are the ones that annoy me most. I think because I know that if I want to disable, I would be able to solve them.

Here’s hoping that the worst problem I have today is a hole in my pants.

I hate dropping things.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I often drop lotto things on the floor that I can’t pick up myself. It bugs me and there’s nothing I can do about it. The person I live with doesn’t notice little things on the floor, so asking them if they can see anything on the floor isn’t a completely fool proof way to find out if there’s anything on the floor.

Relying on people is emotionally draining. Even when you know they’re trying their best. In fact I think when they’re trying their best it makes it worse, as you know you logically it’s not fair to be annoyed at them.

So I become annoyed at myself for being unable to solve my own problems and therefore relying on them.

I don’t cook much.

On By Katy DalyIn Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What’s your favorite thing to cook?

I love food. But I don’t cook.

I love potato, seasoning and spices. But I can’t cook.

So if you’re asking what my favourite thing to cook is, that’s almost a mute question.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to love food.

Remember you don’t have to be able to cook to enjoy food.

Every Mark

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I know I’ve posted about this recently, but my sister hit my door in my chair, accidentally of course, and so it’s on my mind again.

When my walls or doors get marked, there’s nothing I can do about it. Shoddy cheap council paintwork means they get marked very easily.

My house looks horrible and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t repaint, because I would need to pay someone to do it for me and I don’t have the money to do that.

I will never be able to live in any kind of home that I can be happy with. And every time I mark the wall or door or floor I’m reminded of that.

Being disabled sucks sometimes. Needing the help of others, and not being able to afford to pay for it every time you need it. Is draining.

I don’t like needing help.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Given how much help I need on a day to day basis, you would think I’d be okay with asking for help. But in all honesty, I still struggle, even when I pay for it.

I have a cleaner come semi regularly, which I pay for. And I still don’t like needing their help, even though they agreed to it, and I pay them.

The only help I get that I’ve become somewhat comfortable with is that from my family or carers. And I think the only reason I’ve become okay with it is because I don’t have any other choice. That said there has been times I’ve injured and burnt myself, rather than ask my help

So this is your reminder that even even people have a lot of help, they may not be comfortable needing it. Regardless of how much help someone has or how long they’ve had it for. Asking for help can be big step for others.

Simple is relative.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog1 Comment

Sometimes the solution to a problem might seem simple, it might even be simple for you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s simple for everyone.

Yesterday I had a problem with my heating and I have a consistent problem with my dryer. Different people have told me that both these problems can be easily solved, and yet I have had to call someone in for them, because I am unable to fix the problem myself.

But maybe that counts as the easy solution, providing I suppose it solves the problems. Maybe me calling someone to solve the problem, is me solving the problem in a way that’s accessible to me.

Making something accessible doesn’t mean always doing it yourself.

That’s a lesson I learnt many years ago, but one I struggle to remember in the moment.

But in a world which is inheritantly ableist, many don’t count getting someone else to help you do something, as doing it for yourself. And I am someone who needs help to solve the simple problems in life often. So to me they are not simple problems.

But I do, I have to. Otherwise the rest of the world simply happens to me or around me, and I’m not part of it anymore.

There was a time when I wouldn’t have even asked for the help when I needed it, and just let a problem get worse. At least now I have a way to solve it.

So just remember, don’t judge anyone who needs help to get it done, at least the job gets done. We all need a little help sometimes.

When I see a problem I can’t fix

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I spend a lot of time seeing little problems in my life that I want to fix, but I can’t.

Little things, like when a floor needs cleaning, and yes that’s a real example that sparked this post. Little problems that are actually easy to fix, but I just can’t fix on my own.

But the person who I’m often with that could help me fix the problem, doesn’t have the same inspiration of desire to fix the problem that I do. And because there who I need to fix the problem, it doesn’t usually get fixed.

I know I owe a lot to the people in my life that help me. But it gets frustrating when they can’t, or won’t, help me the way that I want to.

I can understand how that makes me seem ungrateful, but there’s only so long you can be grateful for when you need so much help.

Fixing most problems is something that is inaccessible to me.