Tag: Grief

Chocolate

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My WritingLeave a comment

What snack would you eat right now?

At least that’s what I said even though it wasn’t really what I wanted. What I actually wanted wasn’t even food, but a lot of the time I don’t feel like the things I want are important enough for me to ask for. \

What I really wanted was for my little girls polar bear teddy to be moved so that it sits over her urn correctly. I don’t think really that’s too much for me to ask for, but I know that the person helping me will think that it is. So I felt I had to make up something more acceptable that I needed there help with, like the fact I wanted some chocolate.

That is one thing I’ve learnt after having a lifetime of help from others, people will judge you for the things you need help with. They might still do the things you ask them to do but they will be very strange about it, and if you ask for to many things that fall into the category, they will simply choose not to help you anymore.

When you need a lot of help from others, you have to have your life run by them. It all ultimately comes down to what they will actually do for you, if they say no, then you are stuck.

I don’t think people really understand what that is like until it happens to them. It is really hard to grasp what it is really like to have everything in your life controlled, and as a result at least in some way judged by other people.

It’s difficult to believe I have a right to have a say in anything in my life, when I know anything ultimately comes down to others. That is why I struggle when people ask me what I want in any situations, because it just feels like that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Anyway, as for now I have the chocolate, so I’m going to eat some now at least.

The hardest part of grief.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I think the hardest part of grief for me has been the realisation that I’m still disabled throughout it. I hate to make this all about me, in fact I try to make it not about me whenever possible. But I find myself spending a lot of time hurting over the fact that I can’t mourn those I love in the way that I want to.

I’m sorry.

My dad died a month ago today.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth4 Comments

If you’ve wondered why I’ve been away, that’s why. And coincidentally today is the day I find myself wanting to write again.

It’s difficult after someone dies, not knowing when the appropriate time to start your life again is. But one thing I have noticed that is different with loosing my mum than loosing my dad, is that my life started again much sooner, it had to.

When my mum died my dad was there to do all the things that needed to be done. My dad kept life going and we got to grieve a little more. But when my dad died those things fell to me and my siblings. And we had to pick life up and keep it going.

There’s a lot of mixed emotions when someone dies, and loosing my dad has caused such a dramatic change in my life that it’s caused a lot more. I suddenly have the responsibility I’ve wanted for a lot of my life, I’m suddenly needed in a practical sense to do things.

It’s strange.

I’m an orphan now.

But at the same time I’m suddenly an adult.

We’re yet to have the memorial. I’m kind of worried what happens after that, when it’s all done and this is just life now. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it.

Dinner ?

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If you could host a dinner and anyone you invite was sure to come, who would you invite?

Damn. I take these questions way too seriously.

Erm. My mum.

Seriously.

But celebrity wise which I’m sure is what this actually means. I would absolutely love to have dinner with John Barrowman. I love him as a person and in Doctor Who as Jack. I also think he wouldn’t care when I inevitably spill food on myself.

To be honest this question was harder to answer than I thought it would be.

A cross.

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What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

It’s a necklace that belonged to my grandma. I’m not religious at all, I wear it for the family history rather than anything else.

When I was younger, my mum used to give it me on difficult days or days she said I needed luck. I started asking for it on days when I was nervous as I got older, as it made me feel like my mum was there with me.

When she was dying she said I could have the necklace, and I put it on then and haven’t taken it off, apart from when I had to get the chain repaired, since.

Mothers Day 2024

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment
Image Description: A picture of a photo collage of my 3 furbabies.

The first picture is the largest one of my yellow labrador Immy, lying on my bed.

The second picture to the top is of my caviler king charles Bella sitting on the floor. They are both looking at the camera.

The final picture is of Ellis my grey cat with white patches who is side ways on to the camera.

The text above the pictures reads: “Thank you to my babies for making me a mum 🤎💛🩶”

Having no children, and knowing that that’s not possible, makes Mothers Day difficult. The older I get, the more of the people around me have children and move on with their lives, the harder it gets.

But the furbabies make it easier.

Sometimes I think I’m not allowed to feel the feelings today, because disenfranchised grief like this is never understood.

And it’s even harder for me to explain or feel because of that. So today I just did my best to ignore it all.

But if you’re feeling these feelings I just want you to know I see you.

Losing my mum has made this day even harder.

I’m sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense. I feel very frazzled writing it.

Is it just me or does it not feel like Christmas tomorrow.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I’m writing this post on Christmas Eve, watching my final Christmas film of the Christmas countdown that me and my sister do. And I’m struck by how unlike Christmas it feels.

I know they say as you get older Christmas becomes less Christmas, but I don’t think I believed it until it started to happen. And I don’t think loosing my mum helped the Christmas spirit stay.

So I guess this post is not very disability or inclusivity focused. It’s just to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to anyone reading this.

And try not to feel bad if you’re not feeling Christmassy about Christmas. Your only requirement is to make the best you can of the holiday, and to be kind to yourself while doing it.

Feeling some feelings.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

My response to someone’s Facebook post in a CNBC group that I’m in. I became really emotive while writing it and I thought maybe I’d share it with you all.

I know where you’re coming from I think. The idea that people thing any life is obtainable because you don’t have children is so deeply untrue. I’m disabled and poor. The entire world is built against people like me. Less than 100 years ago. I’d have been left for dead. So no I can’t just live my best life without kids. But even if that were possible, even if everything else lined up in the world to allow me to do that, none of it makes that the life I wanted. Any life I live, even if it one day becomes a good life, even if by comparison to others it is already a good life. Will never be the life I dreamed of, the life I wanted to lead. And there’s an element of grief involved in that. Feelings that need to be felt. Feelings that go without respect. Because at least you can…. No. I can’t. And thank you very much for just pointing out something else unreachable.

This is your reminder, and my reminder of a few important feelings. It’s okay to grief the life you wanted, it’s okay to have bad days where that’s all you can think about. Feeling how you feel doesn’t undo the good going on in your life now. Find ways to let it out. You deserve to be allowed to grieve, just like everyone else. You don’t need to be happy all of the time just because the rest of the world wants you to be. Your happiness is not something that exists to make everybody else feel better about their own life. Your happiness and your emotions are about you and no one else.

So on Saturday night.

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So as I sit here, trying to recover from covid, that makes it sound dramatic but please do not worry I’m doing alright, thankfully.

I’m thinking back to Saturday night, when I was trying to convince myself, I had the physical energy to eat, as I was hungry, and I couldn’t seem to find it. But with my life experience of cerebral palsy, it isn’t all that unique that I don’t have the physical energy to eat on the odd occasion, this is what I have referred to in the past as CP tired. In these situations, my mum has fed me in the past. So, I actually spent the night thinking about my mum, and how much I miss her. I probably only ate anything that night because I know that’s what she would want me to do.

But having this low level of energy never registered in my head as something I should be concerend about, as I say, this happens to me. And this got me thinking about how hard it can be to spot symtoms of something, when you’re chronically ill or disabled. Here I very easily colud have been overshadowing my covid symtoms as part of my cerebral palsy. By this I mean attributing the systoms I was experiencing to the wrong thing.

Luckily for me, the symptom that I was overshadowing was simply exhaustion, and this is not the most dangerous system to do that with. Though I would likely have figured out I had covid earlier without cerebral palsy. But there are many stories of people being in a lot of dangerous because of shadowing their own symptom.

So I want to take this oportunity to remind anyone reading this who is disabled and chronically ill to pay extra attention to when you feel different, and do what you can to look after yourself.

It’s okay to be wrong about something else being wrong with you, it can be incredibly dangerous to miss what could be wrong with because you don’t want to be wrong about something being wrong.

The version of this, in which medical professionals overlook symtoms is called diagnostic overshadowing. If you’re chronically ill or disabled, or there is a chance you will be spending a lot of time in hospital, it might be something worth looking into. It is essentially where a doctor or other medical professional attributes an existing medical condition to being the reason for your systoms, which results them in not actually investigating the symtoms someone is experiencing.

This happened to me once as a teenager when a doctor decided that the numbness and tingling, I was feeling in my hands and feet were anxiety, and of course I have anxiety because I’m disabled. *Insert after event eye role*

Though they were probably correct, which has only become evident because while I see occasionally experience those symptoms, I don’t experience any other symptoms. However, I still deserved to have my symptoms investigated properly, just in case there was something else going on.

Miss you mum.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I had a picture made with mum. Not the same but its something 🎓👩‍🎓

Also I just cried over chocolate moose cos there was an odd number for me and my sister and mum would have had it.

She used to do that thing where she would say I don’t want a full moose but I’ll have the chocolate of your lid, so when I opened it I put extra on it so she could have more.

The big things like my graduation without her, hurt. But the little things definitely hurt me more.