Tag: Feeling

Freedom.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What are the most important things needed to live a good life?

I understand that this can be a complex question, because it depends what you think a good life is, but I guess that’s the point.

Personally I would have to say one of the most important things needed to live a good life, whatever you believe that to be is Freedom. Freedom can look different to everyone. It can be the safety to live independently from others, or the ability to choose what you wear, how you look and where you go when you want.

Essentially I think Freedom is defined as living whatever life you want to live, within the bounds of not causing harm to others obviously.

Everything else I can think of that someone might need to live a good life, all stems from this idea of having the freedom to live the way they want to live.

A good life is a life that makes you happy, a life that doesn’t intentionally hurt others, life doing the things you enjoy.

I know this is a vague answer to the question but I don’t really want to be more specific, as I know that a good life can only really be defined by the person who is living it. The one thing I am clear about is that you do not live a good life if your life involves intentionally hurting others. This is never a good life, just keep to your own good life, and let others live theres.

By my own definitions here I don’t life a good life, I can’t do what I want when I want it because I need help to do it, make of that what you will.

When you need help for a lot of things in life, Freedom is conditional, so in my opinion it’s not really freedom.

I don’t live a bad life, by any stretch. I live the best life I can with the situation that my life has been presented to me. But I struggle sometimes to see it as a good life, by what I truly believe a good life to be.

I want to write.

On By Katy DalyIn My Writing4 Comments

I think I want to write. I can feel the ideas, feel the words. But for some reason I can’t put my pen to paper, even the virtual sense. So I resort what I always resort to at these times, to writing thing about writing.

They say you should write what you feel, and I guess when you experience writers block, writing about writers block makes sense. But I don’t know if I have writers block. I don’t know if I really understand what writers block actually is. And I don’t think trying to understand whether or not I actually have writers block, will help me with the whole writing thing.

Why is it so hard to do the things you really want to do?

It’s the only thing I know that just maybe I’m any good at, why can’t I just do it?

The irony of me being informed after I posted this, that this is my 500th post on this blog is not lost on me.

I’m working on it.

On By Katy DalyIn Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What fears have you overcome and how?

I have so many fears, that to be honest I can’t place just one that I have overcome.

I feel like working on them all is a lifelong task.

I’ve gotten better at speaking on the phone. At telling people how I feel. At saying no.

But to say I’ve overcome these fears would be to suggest they no longer scare me, wouldn’t it? And to be honest they do. I think they always will.

Maybe overcoming a fear is to learn to live with that fear and to not let it stop you, rather than never being afraid of something.

But I think it’s a process. Not a to do list.

I didn’t think you’d want to go

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So the person I live with got invited to a party by a neighbour. I was also invited, apparently, but they told them I wouldn’t want to go. And I guess, it got me thinking.

I don’t know if I would actually want to go. I don’t know if that’s a fair question to be asked of me, when it feels like I definitely don’t get to make that decision.

Where the party would be I wouldn’t easily be able to get to. So I shouldn’t want to go anyway. I can’t actually work out if I want to go or I want to want to go. Decisions aren’t fair when they’re already made for you.

I’m angry that this one was made for me, but it was already made for me, before it was made. So I shouldn’t be angry, and yet.

When do I get to make a fair decision that isn’t controlled by the world around me or by my brain?

I’ll be in my room if you need me.

I’m going to lie.

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I’m not going to say that it bothers me when you do things I can’t do, but it does bother me.

Something are just accessible to me. even when they’re supposed to have accessible options, they just don’t, that is just a part of my life. And when that comes up like it did today, of course I’m going to say that it’s okay with me if you still do whatever it is. It really isn’t. But I’m not gonna be the reason that you don’t experience something. I’m going to minimise as much as I can how much my disability impacts what you are able to do. I’m the disabled one, not you.

But it’s going to upset me that I can’t be part of the experience. I’ve learnt though to keep those feelings quiet, to not make everything about the fact that I can’t be a part of it. I’m not sure it’s ever going to get to the point where it doesn’t bother me though. But I’m sure I’ll get better at hiding it.

The biggest problem here, other than the lack of accessibility, which should always be seen as the primary problem. Is the way I deal with this, emotionally. Logically, I know that something not being accessible to me is not my fault, but emotions make difficult. w

I would be lying if I said that it didn’t cross my mind that if I weren’t disabled, I would be able to have the experience. That I am the problem, not the world around me. And even though I have spent my entire life disabled, I know and understand internalised ableism very well. That me being the problem feels too much like the truth, that every time I fall for it, even just a little bit. And I have to convince my brain it’s wrong.

When I look at this without emotion it is obvious that my brain is wrong. It is obvious that I cannot and should not be blamed for the inaccessibility in the world me. I didn’t choose to be disabled and I didn’t create the world the way that it exists. I just live in it the same as you, the same as anyone else. This guilt, shouldn’t really be mine to take. And yet every time I start by making myself take it, and going backwards from there.

I’m hoping that eventually I will learn not to blame myself so much for things that are not my fault. That I will learn not to blame myself for feelings that I cannot control. That I will be able to validate my own feelings the way I validate others, because I deserve that same treatment and care. But I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever get there.

I’m disabled.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Language matters. And to some, the word disabled is the wrong word to use.

Some people prefer words like “differently abled” or “different ability”, but I’ll be honest these don’t sit right with me.

To me using the word disabled is simply factual. I am disabled, while there are some things I do differently, there are things I cannot do. And I don’t think this is something I should feel bad about or not acknowledge.

I feel like those who don’t use the word disabled want to change the language to make them feel better about their disability, which is of course their right to do. But I would rather own the language.

There’s nothing wrong with being disabled. It makes you who you are and you deserve to live in the world.

Being differently abled doesn’t make you not disabled, and that’s okay. Disabled is not a bad word, it just is. And I don’t like it when people think it is, it feels like they think I’m wrong for existing and being happy with that.

I don’t really know what else to say about this, without repeating myself. But remember language changes for us, we don’t need to change for language.

I can’t be left alone.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth4 Comments

Sometimes I forget that, because when disability is your normal you don’t feel disabled.

But when the person I live with came to me tonight and asked if it would be okay if they stayed somewhere overnight in a couple of months, I wanted to say sure, because I don’t want to stop them doing anything. But my first reaction was what do I do while you’re not here?

Now I’m lucky to have someone else that can come stay with me for the night, so that they can go and do what they want to do and I still won’t be alone. But it dawned on me then that means I can’t be alone. And as I write this, I really don’t know how to feel about that.

It’s like a reminder that I’m still disabled. And people who know me who aren’t disabled might find that odd because I am very obviously disabled and it doesn’t make sense that I would just forget. But I really don’t feel that way most of the time.

In many ways, disability can be a mindset. But this isn’t the positive mantra you think it is. It can lead to a disconnect between the body and the mind, that I’ve had trouble dealing with all my life. And can make the reality of realising I’m disabled, difficult to deal with at times.

Well at least you’re in the building.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog1 Comment

When was the last time you saw a live performance?

This is the prompt for today, but as I’ve answered it before it won’t let me answer it again. I’m at one now.

Getting into this building wasn’t easy for me, it was honestly testifying. It was something I can’t be sure I would have done if I knew what was expected of me from the start.

I was essentially pulled up several flights of stairs in my wheelchair, using an old but honestly good accessibility aid. I’ve included a picture of me using this below.

Image Description: A photo of myself in my electric wheelchair being pulled up stairs. My hands are gripped tightly on the armrest of the chair.

As this photo shows the whole experience was terrifying, and as I write this I have to go back down again.

Knowing the artist I’m here to see, I’m certain it was worth what it took to get me in here. But if I’m honest with myself I’m still upset by this whole experience. I shouldn’t have to go through this to have fun. Fun shouldn’t be this hard. Fun shouldn’t be hard.

The anxiety of this experience is going to leave me in more pain than usual for the next few days.

I’m torn between writing more about this now, while the emotions are fresh or focusing on the fact I’m about to here one of my favourite artists live.

I’m going to focus on the music for tonight.

I thought about it.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Honestly, I thought about writing this post for today, but I just never got around to it. So I’m admitting straight from the beginning that I’ve backdated this one a little. Sorry.

Honestly today was a great day in many ways and a difficult day in others. Emotions are funny like that.

I dyed my hair, and I really like it. It’s funny how something so simple (in theory) can make you feel so much more like yourself. I say in theory because it’s actually kind of complicated to do when you’re in a wheelchair. But it’s doable, and I love it. It’s well worth it.

But emotionally I struggled a lot today. Part of one of my chairs broke and I ended up texting my OT in the middle of the night about it. Honestly, it made me feel really guilty, as often happens when things break around me. Even if I’m not the one who’s broken them, I have a lot of guilt over the fact I can’t fix them.

I often spiral in the fact I feel like a brake or damage a lot of things. Which is tied to feelings I have of always being in the way, causing problems and making things worse. While logically I know that accidents happen, in practice they just make me feel guilty.

Sorry? I guess.

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Not feeling great today.

Do you ever do that this where you know exactly what you want to write about, until you got to write it, because honestly same.

I’m blaming the fact I had the covid vaccine yesterday, and I don’t feel great, but it’s better than covid.