Sometimes it’s not what’s happened, but that you can’t do anything about it.
Tag: Feeling
Everyone deserves to exist.
Everyone.
This is not a debatable topic.
The right to exist isn’t something anyone needs to earn through anything. Especially work.
We have created a world which wrongly seems to only value those who can work, more specifically those who can give money to the economy. Forgetting the value of what it means to be a person, and that this value is something everyone has.
And I just think that’s very sad.
Lost and not found.
I know I’ve written about this one before but it’s really bugging me again. And in true deflecting me style it’s not even the biggest problem I have to deal with now but we’re going with it anyway.
I think I’ve lost a bottle of pee.
Now in my house that’s not as stranger sentence as it might seem. Given I use a catheter to empty my bladder into a plastic bottle. I have been known to loose said bottle of pee in different areas, both in and outside the house. Now this post is less about the hottie of pee and more about the fact that I’m unable to look for it myself.
Now because I can’t look for this myself I always feel like it hasn’t been looked for properly. Years of mistrust slowly creeping there. And there’s very little I’m able to do about the entire situation, that in itself is the most frustrating part. If I could look myself, I didn’t find it, I know I would’ve tried my hardest. I can’t know that for certain of other people.
Being disabled as essentially having trust people throughout your life, at least for me. You don’t get a choice about needing their help, and you need it whether you trust them or not.
I could do with doing this more let’s be honest.
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
I’m struggling to focus on this at the moment, it’s almost 5am as I write this so that should be obvious.
While I guess I struggle with this a lot of the time, it’s hard to pinpoint what I do at these time, and if the things I think I do are even for the best.
I think I give myself the time and space to sleep and rest. But maybe that does me more harm than good, maybe it’s just me trying to escape everything and why I’m up at 5am.
Music can be helpful, but can also hurt, as it can trigger memorises of things I’m trying to get away from.
Watching my favourite shows or my comfort shows can be a nice escape, but if I finish a show it can be upsetting for me emotionally. I haven’t really considered properly why this might be.
Writing can help but often I fall into the trap of putting to much pressure on myself to complete a goal, so this stops becoming helpful.
Anything else that I may like to do to help my own wellbeing, I generally need help with. And besides not wanting to be more to burden to those around me, this can also be a trigger for me. A reminder of the things I’m trying to escape from.
I don’t know if this makes sense at all. And I’m even less sure, I might just of wrote it as an escape from going to sleep, which I should really do as I have plans in a few hours. Plans that I now don’t really want to do. I’m so tired but can’t sleep.
But maybe I should take the fact that I felt drawn to writing this prompt, as a sign that I’m getting myself back into writing a little bit. And maybe now I’m putting too much pressure on myself to start writhing again. I don’t know anymore.
I’m never going to get to live any sort of life that I want to.
The stuff that’s been bothering me lately that I don’t know how to deal with, let alone write about, has got me thinking about this. I know I’m not supposed to focus on that, but it’s the truth, I will never get to live the life I feel like I’m supposed to live. And just right now I don’t know how to get over those feelings.
I know they’re no good to feel, that they won’t get me anywhere. But you can’t really stop yourself feeling things, just because you know that feeling them isn’t going to get you anywhere.
So, for right now I’m a little stuck.
Oh the weather outside is… Sunny?
Okay, so I know it’s not Christmas, but I couldn’t resist titling this post that way. It’s not actually a very positive post, well it sort of is, but this makes me feel even better about it.
So today I went to see some family, and I had to stay in the garden. Surprisingly, for where I live the weather was okay, but that doesn’t mean I was very happy about the whole experience. Obviously would’ve been worse. Had the weather been bad, but either way it’s uncomfortable for me to go to places where all I can do is wait outside.
The reality of most housing not being accessible to you, is more than the fact that you are often limited in the housing you can live in. For me I will likely never leave my current home, it was very difficult for me to find somewhere that’s even partially accessible. But also that you often cannot visit anyone in there, homes because you cannot get into them.
There is almost no one out of all my friends and family that I am able to go and see due to the accessibility of the house that they live in. And if I’m being honest with myself, this is something that I find really upsetting.
Logically I know it’s too much to say that I wish they would only live in accessible housing, but also, I wish they would live in accessible housing. I wish that it wasn’t too much to ask to want to be part of my family.
It gets really frustrating when you are the one that has to make the compromises in order to spend time with family, and I am yet to find a way round it. Having them come to my home is also difficult because it means I have to get my home ready for visitors. This is something that I’m not able to do, and don’t worry about the way that anyone visited my home judge me for that. For this reason, I don’t have a lot of people visiting my home and that is honestly the way I like it.
Another part of the reason that I don’t like having people over in my home is because I have a lot of strangers in my home regularly, in the form of carers. It makes me not like the experience of having other people in my home if I’m honest, whether I know them or not.
For this reason, it was strongly suggested that we meet somewhere else in order to spend time together. Mainly because given where I live there is every chance that it might rain, and I didn’t want to have to get wet, as I can’t easily change. Though in this instance that didn’t happen thankfully, it was still a risk, and not one I was very comfortable in taking but needs must.
From experience if I don’t take risks such as going to people’s inaccessible homes in order to spend time with them. Or going to events at just about accessible venues, which are still inaccessible as far as I’m concerned, then I’m often blamed. In the past it feels as if others believe I have chosen not to participate in the get together. Rather than it being the venue and the lack of planning on the organises part, that are the reason I’m unable to attend.
As a result of this happening repeatedly, I haven’t internalised this as being something wrong with me. As if it is my fault, I am not able to spend time with friends and family and therefore I must compromise when I can in order to do so.
Today, as I have said, it went well but it doesn’t always. And I have to admit I’m left wondering when others will compromise to spend time with me? Honestly I know the answer is never, as non-disabled don’t find themselves in a position where there need to compromise in the way that disabled people do.
But it would be even better if more homes could be accessible and I would I simply be able to go and see those that I care about in their homes.
More homes need to be accessible to disable people. So that we get to be part of society and our families properly.
Please forgive me if this one doesn’t make a lot of sense I can’t really figure out why but I don’t feel like it does. I hope you get the gist of it anyway.
I can’t be mad when I need help.
So do you ever have those moments where you are irrationally angry?
Well I do.
And obviously I should apologise, but because I need help I can’t do this on my own time. I hate having to ask for help when I’m upset. I hate that my disability just doesn’t go away. That whatever else happens it’s just there, and I still need help whether I like it or not.
I don’t get to deal with my emotions the way I want to. And I feel like that means that I don’t really get to deal with them at all.
There’s no nice way for me to say this.
Sometimes I wish what I could do was the line for whatever everybody else is able to do.
I’m very aware of how selfish this is, but sometimes it just gets really old to watch people do what I never will be able to. It’s hard to always be the one that’s okay with being left out.
It’s hard to always have to be the bigger person. And if I am honest I don’t think I am as much as I want to be. I don’t really want to stop people doing things. I just don’t want to know that they are doing them.
It’s just hard to see every day.
Another luxury that’s not a fair question.
What countries do you want to visit?
If the truth be told, I’m struggling a lot with the freedom that others around me have that I do not. Call me selfish or self-centred, but this is my place to tell the truth, is it not?
I feel like every new accomplishment that those around me make, is a stab in the heart, a reminder of what I will never be able to do.
Sometimes it feels like everything is that. Every party I cannot attend, every mess I cannot clean, every drink I cannot make for myself. Sometimes, it’s really hard to exist in the world when it feels like everything I can not do is everywhere.
For that reason, this question is not reasonable or sensible to me. It simply doesn’t bother thinking about it because it will never happen.
That said, I would love to visit America, and perhaps Malta.
Wealth is relative.
I spend a lot of time just scrolling on various internet platforms, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that wealth is relative.
Seeing people complain about the price of things they’ve inquired about, that I don’t even have the money to look into, is a wild experience. The price of getting a swimming pool in your garden has gone up, oh I feel so bad for you.
Sorry, I know this is a very cynical post. And while I’m a strong believer in people’s right to do whatever they want with their money, sometimes the reality of this is just difficult to witness.
I think it’s because I know that society is going to keep me poor. Don’t get me wrong I live comfortably, but I am never going to have the kind of disposable money needed for a pool. I know those that do have the money have worked hard for it, and they deserve it. But I’m not even getting the chance to work hard to change my situation. And sometimes that just gets to me.
I know compared to some I have a lot of money, but compared to others I know, I have nothing. And I feel like I’m constantly torn between it could be worse and why isn’t it better.
I don’t know where I was really going with this post, as it goes against what I believe to differ that people couldn’t talk about there problems just because it could be worse. I guess I’m just airing my own problems and that’s that.
If it wasn’t obvious, if I win the lottery, which I do not play, I will be getting a pool, or a jacuzzi.
My Inaccessible Life 