Tag: Feeling

Do I wish I could walk?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I’ve been asked many times in my life if I wish I could walk, I feel like I’m supposed to say no, like her answer would somehow support the validity of disabled people’s existence. But in reality is not a question I can answer that simply, it’s just a lot more complicated. You’re asking me if I wish I could do something that I’ve never been able to do before, something that having the ability to do would change my life beyond recognition, and I’m honestly not sure how I feel about that.

I don’t wish I could walk right now, right now I just wish I could find the battery for my TV remote.

Early today, I wished that I didn’t feel like it was my fault that my family’s plans ruined. Even though logically, I know inaccessibility is to blame and not me, sometimes it still feels like my fault.

Maybe tomorrow l’ll wish I could walk, or maybe I’ll just wish I could clean my own floor. Who knows?

Right now, though I just wish that I could sleep.

Did you earn your disability?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth1 Comment

There’s a weird hierarchy that I’ve been seen happening within the disabled community. Someone seemed to think that they have earned the right to be disabled. That whatever they’ve been through has given them their “badge of honour” and the right to call themselves disabled.

That’s what they want, they want to divide us. To tell us some of us have fought hard to be “normal” and it’s not our fault we lost, while others haven’t even tried. The amount of ableism it takes to place the value of a disabled person, on how hard they fought against their own body is concerning.

Disability happens to us all. It’s a matter of when, not if. You are disabled enough and in the right way, however you got there. Those of you that think you’ve somehow surpassed others to earn your space, think about why you think that.

The worst thing about being disabled.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

There’s a lot of rough things about being disabled, we all have different and valid experiences, but I’ve realised something that I think is the worse part as I’ve gotten older.

You’re still disabled when everything else happens.

Disability doesn’t go away when the world keeps turning, whether it’s good or bad things, you are still disabled through all of it. Whether someone is in hospital, or they’re going on holiday, you’re still you. Trying to exist in a world that feels like it doesn’t really want you there, and trying to be some part of the person you feel like you are on the inside. It never feels like enough.

But you can’t say that, because then you’re making everything about you, and the nature of your existence means that you do that enough already.

You just have to keep moving, keep trying, and ultimately failing.

First night.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Tonight is my first night in my home alone.

My sister, who I’ve written about here before but tried to be vague with, has moved out. She was my carer but is now pregnant and therefore can no longer do that. In order for the flat to be accessible to me it is also cannot be made safe for a baby, so she had to leave.

It’s been complicated, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t relived that I am alone now. Which is weird because I didn’t expect this level of relief, if I’m honest. I thought I would be more anxious. But instead I feel good. And the house isn’t even completely mine yet. I’m looking forward to how I’ll feel when it is.

Did she shut the door to keep me quiet?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I hate being disabled sometimes. I categorically hate it. It’s a visceral anger that I don’t know what to do with.

I realise recently that it mostly correlates with when I am placed in situations where I feel like a burden for reliant on others. Like I can’t change anything else, but I can be mad at myself for being in that situation. And at least that’s something, even if I know it’s not healthy. And unfortunately the person who I am heavily reliant on has an annoying habit of making me feel this way.

This leads to me feeling so broken for ever needing help, like I’m the worst person in this persons world, there biggest inconvenience. And they’re treating me like I forced them into a situation that they agreed to live in.

It’s not my disability that makes me feel like a burden. It’s always others.

Control.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth1 Comment

I know I’ve written about control before, but a lot of my life feels out of control right now, and the little things are really throwing me.

I just really want to be able to make my own decisions in my life but that’s not something you’re able to do when you’re disabled.

All I really want is not to have strangers in my house, and yet they are, whether I like it or not. I don’t have control of what happens in my own home or life. It’s getting harder and I’m trying to be big about it, because it’s Christmas and in all honesty I have to be the bigger person here. But it’s so hard.

I just want my space. I just want control. I just want not to be disabled in my own space.

Please just ask me. That’s all I’m asking.

Discomfort

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

For reasons that I hope are clear if you’ve been following me for a while now, I’m a member of many different disability and chronic illnesses groups on social media. A common topic in both is chronic pain, but something I don’t see discussed is chronic discomfort.

In my experience this goes alongside chronic pain but is something that is distinctly different at least in my experience. But no one seems to talk about the difference, so it has me wondering if I’m making it up or just not phrasing it right?

It’s like sitting in my body doesn’t quite feel right. Like I always need to be moved a little bit, and I can never find that one spot I’m looking for. In itself that’s doesn’t hurt, I mean it does hurt, I do hurt but that feeling is different to me.

I don’t know maybe I’m talking rubbish. Maybe it’s the same thing. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time in my chair recently. Who knows? Not me.

Adulting

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

There’s lots of different types of grief, and we all have to deal with it at some point in our life.

As well as the obvious and social accepted form of grief, I’m dealing with other kinds right now. I’m trying to deal with it all, as well as all the other parts of adulting.

The more I adult, the less I want to. I’m really relating to this quote right now.

Image Description: A two frame scene from Greys Anatomy, the quote in the frame says “We’re adults. When did that happen? And how did we make it stop?”

Sometimes all you can do is your best, and that just has to be enough. I just wish it felt like it.

Can I live alone?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Honesty I don’t know. And that might be a question I have to answer sooner rather than later, given the current situation I find myself in.

There’s lots of factors to be considered here, but with this post I will be focusing on whether I could do so emotionally rather than practically.

I don’t know if I’m more worried to try just because it’s scary to do new things or because I’m scared I won’t be able to do it.

It’s hard sometimes being so physical disabled, being so reliant on others, and being so acutely aware of just how reliant you are. I think the push to possibly living on my own is a reminder of this. And the fact that it’s not exactly on my terms makes it all that little bit more emotionally challenging.

It’s the only place I get to be me.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability Truth, Writing Prompts3 Comments

Why do you blog?

While, I started this blog with the more specific topic of accessibility, it has become more about my life generally. I thought that I started it initially as a place to share inaccessibilities that I experience in my life, starting with this more specific topic, hoping it would keep me writing. I did this specifically as I have tried and failed at blogging for a continued period of time. But for some reason, this blog stuck, and it’s still going.

I think it leant itself towards my life experiences generally and some other bits of writing. And trying to post daily blog posts, though I have had to backdate a few became a clear motivator in keeping me writing. As well as giving me something in the day that felt like my own, and if I’m really honest with myself something that it didn’t feel like my disability prevented me from completing.

My blog has become my space to write about the things I feel in a more free way. And though I don’t feel completely free to share everything openly here, it is one of the places I feel most free on all of the internet.

And now because I haven’t slept, I’m going for a nap. Have a good Saturday.