So after being out all day yesterday, the person I live with seemed surprise that I told them I would be okay to handle what we’d being doing today on my own if they wanted to stay home and sleep.

To make it clear I won’t really be on my own for a lot of the day, but because they won’t be with me for all of it, for part of the day I would be on my own. Specifically while we get to the place where we’d be meeting family.

This is a well practiced route that I do almost every Monday, when we go for a family breakfast, so I’d be fine. In some ways it’s actually easier for me to be out of the house on my own than in the house on my own. My house is just that inaccessible in parts to me. But still they seemed surprised that I’d be okay to handle this on my own.

I think it’s easy to forget when you see how much help I need on a regular basis that I don’t need help for everything. That although some things are easier for me to get help with, it doesn’t mean I couldn’t manage them alone.

Interestingly as I write this I had to call for help, but remember what I said about my house not being that accessible to me? Blame the environment for that one.

Anyway, the way they said this was like they expected me not to go if they weren’t going, and honestly that annoyed me maybe more than it should. Like I said this is something we do every week, and a few times I’ve been too tired to go, but I’ve never expected them not to go because I wouldn’t be. It’s like they forget I am an adult that can do things without them. Maybe they do? Maybe everyone does? Maybe I do? I don’t know.

There’s something else I want to add about this weekly get-together. It started years ago, and initially, it wasn’t something I was invited to, which really upset me, and on some level, I think it still does. When I questioned why I wasn’t invited, I was told they just didn’t think I wanted to go. And I don’t know if they genuinely believe that, or if it’s just what they tell themselves to make themselves not feel guilty, or which answer to that is worse.

I personally think they decided that it would be too difficult for me to get there, and so decided just not to invite me. I never questioned it because for a while I didn’t actually know it was happening. But this wouldn’t be the first time my family have done something like that. Made the decision for me about going somewhere or doing something, and so never asked me about it. They once went to a theme park when they knew I wouldn’t be home.

This isn’t something I can bring up with them, as it will definitely start more drama than it is worth. I doubt they even remember what they did. But I do. I remember the exclusion, feeling like I was too much to be included even by my own family. That’s something that I still struggle with now. I often say I don’t want to do things, if I think having me involved will make things more difficult for others. It’s not only my family that have excluded me in this way throughout my life, but it definitely hurts worse when it comes from them.

But back to today, I will be going to the family breakfast, whether or not I have to get there or back to my dad’s on my own. It will be happening. I deserve to be involved in things, I deserve to be involved in this family. And this is how I want to be involved. Plus, I really like being able to have chips for breakfast.

Just remember that if you’re reading this, know that you deserve the same from your own family whether or not they make you feel that way. You deserve to be part of the gathering, part of the memory, part of it all. And if they exclude you, it is always a choice, there could’ve always been a way to include you. That is a decision they made, it is on them not you