Tag: Emotions

Nobody puts baby in the corner.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog1 Comment

But sometimes it’s best to put me in the corner.

And that’s just the reality of living in a society where 99% of the homes are inaccessible to you. But you still have family, you still have people you wanna spend time with especially unimportant dates, like today was for me. So you allow yourself to be put into the corner to be out of everyone else’s way.

To be fair to them, it was the best place to put me to give me the best view of the room. But it did feel very very much like I’d be in the way if I was anywhere anywhere else. So is it really a choice then, if I feel like like I have no other options?

At least I got to be involved. At least I can get in the house at all. At least I was some consideration when they were looking for a home. Even though I do have to go up and down a very dodgy and frankly scary ramp to get in and out. At least I have some access which is better than none.

I worry that I’m never going to feel as if I belong anywhere. Even in my own home but especially in society as a whole. And being in someone else’s house is just a reminder of that.

I know it’s wrong for me to make their home all about me. But I also feel like I have to think about about me because someone has to think about me and the rest of society has failed to do that. But can I judge the people I care about about, the individuals themselves for the home they choose, when the majority of homes are inaccessible to me to begin with.

The answer is it would not be fair to. And yet I wish I could, I wish it would be fair of me to blame someone sometimes for how inaccessible the world is to me. Not just be mad at the somehow non-existent yet also everywhere “society” that is to blame. People caused the ableism I am forced to live with, and yet in most situations I can not be mad at people for it. I know why but at the same times, it makes absolutely no sense.

But at least I can get in the home of the people who I care about. Despite my the fears and difficulties and only being able to get in one room. At least I was a thought, right? And something is better than nothing.



Grudge prompt?

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

So as I try to get today’s post in before midnight, so that I don’t need to backdate it, I see that I would actually quite like to answer today’s writing prompt. However, I’ve already done this and for some reason you’re unable to answer a prompt once you have posted it on your blog. Now, that would make total sense if they didn’t reuse writing prompts. And I honestly can’t remember what I wrote for this original prompt and would really like to answer it again again. At the very least, I think I should be able to see what I previously wrote to answer the prompt so I would know what I said before. But as it sounds, So as it stands I’m just going to give answers prompt go again.

Quick reminder of a regular disclaimer on this blog. A lot of this post in particular is going to be written by voice to text, it’s not particularly accurate all the time and I don’t really have the energy to closer go over the post to ensure it makes perfect sense. So please do let me know if there are any mistakes you find the only if they affect what the text actually says. I don’t write my black post to be marked.

So the prompt I want to answer simply ask if you are holding a grudge what you were holding about? And that is a hard question to answer then I thought it would be when I just wanted to start this prompt.

I think I will always hold a grudge against WordPress for not letting me answer this prompt twice.

But in all serious, I think I will always hold a grudge against society before excluding me. It makes so much sense when you’re on the outside that no one should be on the outside because you know what it feels like like. It’s hard to listen to society explain away it’s okay that you’re left there. Sometimes I’m just really mad that they don’t rip it down and start all over so that everybody gets a fair shot. Other times I’m mad that I’m the one on the outside that other people get to live the life I will never lead. And not only am I supposed to be okay with that all of the time, if I’m not, it’s my fault for not being positive enough.

It’s the only place I get to be me.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability Truth, Writing Prompts3 Comments

Why do you blog?

While, I started this blog with the more specific topic of accessibility, it has become more about my life generally. I thought that I started it initially as a place to share inaccessibilities that I experience in my life, starting with this more specific topic, hoping it would keep me writing. I did this specifically as I have tried and failed at blogging for a continued period of time. But for some reason, this blog stuck, and it’s still going.

I think it leant itself towards my life experiences generally and some other bits of writing. And trying to post daily blog posts, though I have had to backdate a few became a clear motivator in keeping me writing. As well as giving me something in the day that felt like my own, and if I’m really honest with myself something that it didn’t feel like my disability prevented me from completing.

My blog has become my space to write about the things I feel in a more free way. And though I don’t feel completely free to share everything openly here, it is one of the places I feel most free on all of the internet.

And now because I haven’t slept, I’m going for a nap. Have a good Saturday.

“Last thing”

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth1 Comment

It might come as a surprise that I still need help whether or not you are tired. I don’t like it, I wish there was something I would be able to do so that I didn’t need your help for things, but there isn’t.

Sometimes I need your help when you are tired, and sometimes I need your help for multiple things, and I might also need your help for multiple things when you are tired.

I don’t get to choose when I need help, and you did already agreed to help me. You had other options for life that did not involve me so why do you have to pretend like this is something that just happened to you and not something you chose?

We all have off days, but when you care for someone you also live with the days can be very personal. You agree to help them whatever your mood.

I’m sorry this was going somewhere, but the fatigue is kicking my ass as i try and write so this is all I’ve got.

You will be in the way.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

The reality of being disabled, and living in an inaccessible world, is there are something situations where you’ll just be in the way.

One of these is other people’s medical situations. When you want to help, you can’t. And because you still need help regardless of what is going on in other people’s life, it’s easy to feel like even more of a burden.

This post was supposed to be longer, was supposed to be about me saying that if you’ve felt this way it’s not true. But given I feel like this at the minute it’s hard for me to give confidence I don’t have to others.

Just know that despite how you feel it’s not your fault. And I know that doesn’t change the situation, but I hope that it makes you feel that little bit better.

Today is the last day of Disability Pride Month

On By Katy DalyIn Disability Pride ♿️Leave a comment

And I had to backdate this post due to having a bad day with my disability yesterday. I literally spent the day crying over something very minor due to my disability. So this seems like a good time to share it.

Image Description: A tweet from @RebelWheelsNYC the text reads “Disability pride is not about loving your symptoms 24/7 or even at all. It’s rejecting the ableist that they make you inferior. But also in the face of system #ableism, it’s reminding yourself as needed that the problem is the system/oppression, not you #disabilityprideMonth

Lost and not found.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I know I’ve written about this one before but it’s really bugging me again. And in true deflecting me style it’s not even the biggest problem I have to deal with now but we’re going with it anyway.

I think I’ve lost a bottle of pee.

Now in my house that’s not as stranger sentence as it might seem. Given I use a catheter to empty my bladder into a plastic bottle. I have been known to loose said bottle of pee in different areas, both in and outside the house. Now this post is less about the hottie of pee and more about the fact that I’m unable to look for it myself.

Now because I can’t look for this myself I always feel like it hasn’t been looked for properly. Years of mistrust slowly creeping there. And there’s very little I’m able to do about the entire situation, that in itself is the most frustrating part. If I could look myself, I didn’t find it, I know I would’ve tried my hardest. I can’t know that for certain of other people.

Being disabled as essentially having trust people throughout your life, at least for me. You don’t get a choice about needing their help, and you need it whether you trust them or not.

I’m never going to get to live any sort of life that I want to.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth2 Comments

The stuff that’s been bothering me lately that I don’t know how to deal with, let alone write about, has got me thinking about this. I know I’m not supposed to focus on that, but it’s the truth, I will never get to live the life I feel like I’m supposed to live. And just right now I don’t know how to get over those feelings.

I know they’re no good to feel, that they won’t get me anywhere. But you can’t really stop yourself feeling things, just because you know that feeling them isn’t going to get you anywhere.

So, for right now I’m a little stuck.

Why will I not work for free?

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

To be clear I don’t believe that anyone should ever have to work for free, volunteering or otherwise. If you choose to do so that’s completely okay, but only if this is a free choice, and for most people I believe that this isn’t the case. Most people seem to find themselves unable to get a job where they can be paid for there work, and so end up working for free, these situations are not a choice as far as I’m concerned. They may have no other options, and so this cannot be considered a free choice, if it’s the only choice you have.

Working for free is never something I will choose to do, but I recognise that I am in a privelleged position to be able to refuse to do that. I am able to get by in life from the benefits that I am entitled to, but so long as I am in that position I will not work for free. Beyond my inital statement, that no one should work for free, which of course also applies to me. I have more personal reasons why I will not work for free.

The biggest reasoning besides believing that I should be paid for my worth like anyone else, for me is energy. It will cost me a lot of energy to hold down even a part time job, that my friends is the joys of being disabled and having fatigue, I cannot affrod to waste the limited physical energy that I have, on something which does not benefit me, and I know that may come off as selfish but I honeslty think it’s fair. On top of this I must also consider the way that me working, will impact the benefits I am on, and the bills that I currently have to pay. Without boring anyone reading this, let’s just say it’s an incredible complex system, that means that only working either bellow or above a certain amount will be of actual benefit to me. As such I can’t just take any role for any amount of money that is offered to me, this further limits the already limited work I am able to do. I have to be smart, physically and finacially.

In a world that doesn’t want me to work, and would be quite happy if I did nothing at all with my life, it’s hard to fight against it at all. I don’t alwayes know if I want to fight against it all, maybe it’s just better not to try, but that’s what they want to me to think, right? And it feels like all I have left is to push against people wanting that.

It’s an uphill battle for everyone to work in the modern world. And lets just say, hills have never been designed for those of us in wheelchairs.

Now, you may be wondering what prompted this post, well let’s just say family pressure. Family pressure without truly understanding what I’m up against. Family pressure without understanding the complex of the situation. Family pressure that has been hypoctical to say the least, from those who had opotunities I never had, and threw them away. It’s fustrating to have people that don’t know your life, believe they do, and try to tell you how to live it. I’m trying and I just wish that was enough.