Tag: Be Kind To Yourself

I don’t know.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability Truth, My WritingLeave a comment

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I really wish I had a better for this question, but I just don’t.

I want to say it maybe it’s the first time I made a phone call, and I didn’t even ask my dad if he would do it for me. Phone calls are always something I have struggled with, thank you very much anxiety for that one.

Maybe it was the first night I spent in my own flat, though that just seems like a cliche, and honestly as I write this I can’t even remember it.

Maybe it’s the first time I got lost, and didn’t need to call my parents to get home again. In fact I have to say that didn’t cross my mind.

It’s weird being a disabled adult, having grown up as I disabled person. At least in my experience, you are told one day you’ll be an adult and be able to do what you want whenever you want, while constantly being reminded that you’ll always need help from others.

It’s bizarre to know that there are some people in the world that will never see me as an adult, just because of my disability. To be in situations where people still look to my sister or whoever else I am with, before me.

To know that no one expects me to be a proper adult. That the idea of being seen as one is inaccessible to me. And while you might see the term, a proper adult’ and think it is nothing more than a social construct. You are right, but so is an adult and adulthood, and I promise you the idea of proper adult is just as real as the idea of any adult. Take it from someone who has to fight to be seen as either, who the world still wants to see as a child. Adulthood feels inaccessible.

It’s extremely difficult to know that the only way I’m going go be seen as adult is by believing I can be one and therefore acting like one. While at the same time definitely not feeling like an adult. No one but me is pushing me to be a proper adult, and that makes it hard to be anything close to an adult sometimes. Honestly no one would care if I stopped trying to be seen like an adult. So I have to care.

That said, I don’t know if I’ll ever truly believe I’m an adult. For that matter, does anyone? Do you, whoever you may be reading this, believe you’re an adult? Do you think that you’re own belief in whether or not you’re an adult, effects whether you are treated like an adult? Proving that you yourself are not from a infantilised minority, like those who are disabled, I can’t see how it would, but I would be interested to know.

I don’t know if I’ll ever truly believe I’m an adult. But I know that I owe it myself now and to my younger self to try to believe it. To act like an adult, so I’m treated like an adult. To act like a fully formed person, so others see my value as one.

Was it Shakespeare that said “all the world’s a stage”? That is a genuine question, don’t be mad at me but I really can’t be bothered to look that up right now. But I think what that means is that everything’s an act, that everyone is acting. That everyone is pretending to know what they’re doing in life. When really none of us know anything at all.

So maybe we’re all just secretly children pretending to be adults. I know I feel that way most of the time. But my life has taught me that it’s more important for some of us to be better actors, to perform on stage better, than others. Though maybe if we’re all aware that we’re acting, there might just be a little less stage fright.

Home Alone

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So I’m home alone while the person I live with does some errands. I don’t want to seem like I can’t be home alone, because I can be. That is until something needs doing.

One of my beautiful little doggies loves to cause problems and she might have just been doing so in the other bedroom. The personal lives suggested that I go and check it out, when I told them this. However it’s not that simple for me, simply going into the other room requires both a lot of steps and physical effort on my part. She’s also now also asleep next to me therefore I know she is not causing problems right now, and if I move to go and find out what problems she may have caused it will undoubtedly wake her up and therefore she may cause more problems. Add to this the fact that I am unlikely to be able to deal with any problems that she may have already caused anyway, and due to a broken door I am unable to stop her causing more problems.

Sometimes able bodied people or in this case people that are more able-bodied than me. Will ask things of me without considering or being aware of the steps involved specifically for me in what they are asking. They may not realise that they’re extra steps involved in doing something as a disabled person.

If I were to do what they have asked of me I would have to take care to put the things on my lap on to my bed properly, like my blanket and phone. As there are many steps involved in me trying to pick them up again should they fall on the floor, if I can do it at all. Next I have to struggle to open my own room door followed by the other room door that I need to go in. This will take a good five minutes just to get me into the other room at least, which is longer than it will actually take me to check if there is a mess or not. Like I said earlier even if there is a mess I will probably not be able to do anything about it.

So I guess this one is just a reminder that sometimes when you have disabled people to do simple things for you they aren’t quite as simple as you may think they are. While they may want very much to help you the energy required may not be something they are able to spare for you or to get the task done.

It’s not just that I have less energy than many other non-disabled people come out but the fact that doing something will actually cost me more energy than it would likely cost a non-disabled person to do it.

To any disabled or chronically ill people reading this, it is ok to make the best choice for you to conserve your energy and get the most out of your day Whatever this might look like for you. Remember it makes you smart and pragmatic in dealing with a situation that has components others may not be aware of. Don’t let their judgment of your actions dictate not doing what is best for you.

This post links to the idea of something known as Spoon Theory. Which provides a way of explaining an understanding how much energy disabled and chronically ill people have and maybe able to use or may use doing a certain task. This is definitely something you should look into if you are interested and I’ve never heard of it before. It is likely to be something I write about again as it is very relevant to me.

Chronic Pain Struggles

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

So last week I was in a lot of a pain, but I honestly did not realise this until the weekend just gone when my pain started to lesson. Pain is nothing new to me, I live in a constant 3 on the pain scale, so a new pain does not instantly concern me. Especially when it for me has a logical cause. So it wasn’t until the discomfort was no longer there, that I noticed it had actually been there.

So I guess this is just a quick note to say that your pain is valid. No matter how new or old it is. No matter how well adjusted you are to it, or how much it throws you. No matter how well you are able to function within it. I believe you and I believe your pain. And whatever you are doing or not doing while you experience it or a flare up of it, is exactly all you need to be doing. And lastly its okay not to understand or register your pain in the moment, that does not make it any less valid. It still occurred.

Sometimes I have to be able to see the future.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I’ve been on my own today. For the most part it hasn’t been bad. It’s been quite nice if I’m honest, just me and the dogs. Until I wanted to take the dogs out for there walk, will my sister let me know that you probably wouldn’t be back in time to do this before my carers get here.

I thought I could manage doing it, it’s a struggle but I’ve done it before. And the truth is maybe I could have done it, if my world was set up in such a way that taking them for a walk today was accessible to me.

But I didn’t know that I would be taking them out alone, I didn’t plan ahead to ensure that it was. I did plan ahead to feed them on my own. I did plan ahead of to make sure I had water on my own. But walking them was not on the agenda.

And while I do feel a little guilty, I know logically that one day without a walk, is it going to hurt them. I also have to remind myself that is not my fault that I did not specifically plan things I did not know what happened. I cannot see the future. But as a disabled person not being able to see the future can often leave me stuck. I have to try and see the future, on days when I’m alone, in order to be independent. Today I failed to do that.

I’m currently trying to remind myself that it’s not my fault but I’m not superhuman.

So I guess this one is actually asking anyone who is reading this to do do those around you a favour. Give them as much information about a situation as you can. Give them this much pre warning. Not only does this help everyone as we all feel more prepared for things we know are going to have them. But if you know someone who happens to need to see the future to live their lives, you may be helping them more than you realise.