Tag: Asking For Help

Nighttime.

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

I want to be alone a lot of the time, at least I think I do. But my disability means that the times when I’m alone are often the most debilitating for me.

Take now for example, as I write this post I’m lay in bed, and I find that one of my chargers isn’t working. I have other wires but they are not where I can reach them myself. And while I could wake the person I live with, and they wouldn’t mind, this is not something I deem important enough to wake them after 12 o’clock at night for.

In the past when I have had a problem, but not a serious enough problem, I have created bigger problems that I deem worthy of asking for help for. For example dropping my bed control, without which I am unable to move in the night, which causes so much pain that I am unable to sleep. But that isn’t something I will be doing tonight.

No matter how much I find myself wanting it, being alone reminds me what I am unable to do on my own, it reminds me just how disabled I am. Being alone for any long period of time is always going to inaccessible to me. And sometimes, like right now, it is difficult for me to accept that reality.

I wonder if I do you want to be alone or if I just want to be able to do things for myself? Or if what I really want, is others not to have to do the things for me. While all those things sound the same, I don’t think they are. Wanting to be able to do things for yourself and not wanting other people to do them for you or different. One is about independence the other is about being a burden to those around you.

But when you can never be alone for any meaningful length of time. When you always need the help of others to do the simplest things. You are always going to be a burden, or at the very least feel like you are a burden, in some way or another.

Maybe the reason I want to be alone is because I don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. And when I’m alone I can’t ask for help, so I can’t bother anyone, so for a little while I’m not a burden.

Not being disabled will always be inaccessible to me. And that means the life of those who aren’t disabled, the life of true freedom and independence, will always be as well.

So why call this post nighttime?

Well, if it wasn’t obvious that tends to be when I am alone, the most thanks to my messed up sleeping pattern. I’ve heard it said before that nighttime is the worst for your emotions, as this is when they are free to control you. And honestly right now I would have to agree.

Nighttime is when I am alone. Nighttime is when I realise being alone is inaccessible to me. Nighttime is when I cannot sleep.

To my phone. 

On By Katy DalyIn BlogLeave a comment

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

I know that online shopping has its criticisms, but for me it’s the most accessible form of shopping.

It’s a type of shopping I am able to do on my own. I can by whatever I want, with in my budget,  and have it delivered to my house.

I can manage in a standard shop, but there are usually some points I’m forced to ask for help. And I’ve worked on that to the point where my anxiety doesn’t stop me doing it anymore. But it doesn’t mean that I like to ask for help. So ways to avoid it are always good.

There’s a hole in my pants

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment
Image Description: Two fingers spread around a small hole in a black pair of pants. There’s also a lot of dog hair visible in the photo.

Now I’m aware having a hole in your pants isn’t a big problem, but it is problem that I’m not able to do anything about. And that makes it worse than a larger problem I could solve.

Once I’m dressed in the morning, I cannot get changed until Carer comes in the evening. The person I live with cod, undress me but not put any clean clothes on me. So I have to decide that I don’t need to go out for the day before I get them to do that.

While it would be possible for me to get more care in the day, in fact, this has been suggested to me several times. Getting another call would mean that I have to stay home or home in the middle of the day. I already have to be home for a certain time in the evening, I don’t want to sacrifice more control of my life the fact I need Carers. I don’t even like to leave the house, and that’s a whole of the story. But I really appreciate the ability to leave if I want to, and I’m nervous of doing anything that could take that away from me.

And then there’s the cost of my Care and what would happen if I cost the system too much? And while there is an issue, I try not to think about. It is something that is on my mind when considering how much help I will take from the government. I’ve seen the horror stories. And I’m not prepared to give up my babies.

Regularly needing help from others comes at a price. This price can look different for different people, but it is always there. Just be aware of this when you think somebody has it easy because they have everything done for them. I would much rather be able to do it all myself,,whenever I want, the way that I want.

I am aware that this is such a stupid insignificant problem, and those are those are the ones that annoy me most. I think because I know that if I want to disable, I would be able to solve them.

Here’s hoping that the worst problem I have today is a hole in my pants.

I hate dropping things.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

I often drop lotto things on the floor that I can’t pick up myself. It bugs me and there’s nothing I can do about it. The person I live with doesn’t notice little things on the floor, so asking them if they can see anything on the floor isn’t a completely fool proof way to find out if there’s anything on the floor.

Relying on people is emotionally draining. Even when you know they’re trying their best. In fact I think when they’re trying their best it makes it worse, as you know you logically it’s not fair to be annoyed at them.

So I become annoyed at myself for being unable to solve my own problems and therefore relying on them.

I don’t cook much.

On By Katy DalyIn Writing PromptsLeave a comment

What’s your favorite thing to cook?

I love food. But I don’t cook.

I love potato, seasoning and spices. But I can’t cook.

So if you’re asking what my favourite thing to cook is, that’s almost a mute question.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to love food.

Remember you don’t have to be able to cook to enjoy food.

Every Mark

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I know I’ve posted about this recently, but my sister hit my door in my chair, accidentally of course, and so it’s on my mind again.

When my walls or doors get marked, there’s nothing I can do about it. Shoddy cheap council paintwork means they get marked very easily.

My house looks horrible and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t repaint, because I would need to pay someone to do it for me and I don’t have the money to do that.

I will never be able to live in any kind of home that I can be happy with. And every time I mark the wall or door or floor I’m reminded of that.

Being disabled sucks sometimes. Needing the help of others, and not being able to afford to pay for it every time you need it. Is draining.

I don’t like needing help.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Given how much help I need on a day to day basis, you would think I’d be okay with asking for help. But in all honesty, I still struggle, even when I pay for it.

I have a cleaner come semi regularly, which I pay for. And I still don’t like needing their help, even though they agreed to it, and I pay them.

The only help I get that I’ve become somewhat comfortable with is that from my family or carers. And I think the only reason I’ve become okay with it is because I don’t have any other choice. That said there has been times I’ve injured and burnt myself, rather than ask my help

So this is your reminder that even even people have a lot of help, they may not be comfortable needing it. Regardless of how much help someone has or how long they’ve had it for. Asking for help can be big step for others.

Simple is relative.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog1 Comment

Sometimes the solution to a problem might seem simple, it might even be simple for you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s simple for everyone.

Yesterday I had a problem with my heating and I have a consistent problem with my dryer. Different people have told me that both these problems can be easily solved, and yet I have had to call someone in for them, because I am unable to fix the problem myself.

But maybe that counts as the easy solution, providing I suppose it solves the problems. Maybe me calling someone to solve the problem, is me solving the problem in a way that’s accessible to me.

Making something accessible doesn’t mean always doing it yourself.

That’s a lesson I learnt many years ago, but one I struggle to remember in the moment.

But in a world which is inheritantly ableist, many don’t count getting someone else to help you do something, as doing it for yourself. And I am someone who needs help to solve the simple problems in life often. So to me they are not simple problems.

But I do, I have to. Otherwise the rest of the world simply happens to me or around me, and I’m not part of it anymore.

There was a time when I wouldn’t have even asked for the help when I needed it, and just let a problem get worse. At least now I have a way to solve it.

So just remember, don’t judge anyone who needs help to get it done, at least the job gets done. We all need a little help sometimes.

All the little lies

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth1 Comment

A lot of people lie to me. It’s a lot of little lies.

I’ll be here at this time – they’re hours late.

Yes I did that put it away – it’s still on the table.

I left it somewhere- it’s somewhere else.

I hope you get what I’m talking about. All these little questions that I have to ask people because I cannot check for myself, or because I’m waiting on them to help me. And yet I’m often lied to. Sustain

I don’t think they lie to me on purpose, I think they think it won’t matter or it won’t bother me. Neither of those things are true it does matter, and it will bother me. It will only bother me because they lie. Even if the truth is worse, at least it’s still the truth.

I have relied on people for many years, for all my years. And I will rely on people for the rest of my years. I don’t think it’s to much to ask that they don’t lie to me, but they tell me the truth.

I know, it might seem silly to get so caught up on such small lies. It makes sense to be bothered by the big things. The small things seem so unimportant. But I think it works the other way around, at least for me. The big ones seem like lies everybody gets, the one day I win the lottery lies. The little bits of hope in the darkness. The little lies seem made just for me. Like someone else is trying to decide what truth I have access to, what life I get to live, and that I do not like.

I just want to be treated the same way as everybody else, with the same respect, the same honesty. Is that really too much to ask? Or am I actually being treated that way? Is everyone being lied too like this? I just don’t know? If that is the case, do I really have a right to be upset? Or does my right to be upset by this come from the fact that I do not know? I’m honestly not sure.

I don’t think it makes it right, even if others are being lied to. I believe they deserve the truth as well. We all deserve the truth. That no one else should get to decide what we get access to.

Why is the truth that hard for people.

The middle of the night.

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability TruthLeave a comment

Everything seems to go wrong at the most inappropriate time to go wrong. I promise what’s happened is now there’s dramatic that opening sentence makes it seem.

As I write this, it is nearly 5 am, I’ve already had to call for help once to get the remote control for my bed off the floor. I dropped it again, but was able to pick it up using a charger wire. Sometimes you have to be inventive when a problem needs solving in the middle of the night.

I dropped the remote for the second time, trying to look for a charger that I don’t even need. But the fact I can’t find it and I know that I had it makes me feel physically more comfortable than I already do, hence why I was trying to look for it.

Now I have help, but I have a rule that in the middle of the night I only ask for help when it is something very important. This much of a problem in the middle of the night. In other words, I didn’t think it was fair to wake someone else up for something that can wait till the morning. There’s only two things that constitute not being able to wait till the morning. One is dropping my control, as without the ability to move my bed in the night, I wake up in a lot of pain or I’m unable to fall asleep to begin with. The other is, if I’m falling out of bed, I would hope that one is self-explanatory.

Using my own rule, I felt comfortable given the time getting help. But angry at myself that I needed it so soon again after I did the first time. my experience of being disabled often seems to come with a lot of being angry at myself for things I can’t control.

I think this is why I get so distressed when I can’t find something, like the charger I was looking for, regardless of the time. I don’t even need the charger right now, I’m just frustrated that I don’t know where it is. The most annoying thing is that I know where it’s likely to be because I can’t find it. That is either on the floor where I can’t reach or caught in my bed, where again I can’t reach. It’s illogical for me to think that it is lost completely. And while I know this, my strong need to find it, seems to overwhelm me. I know this is stupid. I know that logically, I don’t need to find it right now, but still, I feel like I do.

But I think I get so distressed, because losing things, no matter how relevant they are represents the lack of control I have in my life. I’m annoyed that I cannot be the one to look for things when they are lost. Therefore losing something is even more distressing to me. These feelings are often amplified in the night, when I don’t feel able to ask for help, or when I am alone and I can’t ask for help.

I wish it didn’t bother me so much when I can’t find something, but knowing I don’t really need the item doesn’t change the factory I’m distressed by not knowing where it is. I’m trying to avoid the thought that if I was not disabled, I would be able to look for this charging right now on my own, despite the time. Logically, I know I should be thinking more along the lines of the fact that it is not my fault that finding this charger is inaccessible to me. But it’s hard to be logical, where internalised ableism is concerned.

I’m so tired. Despite how much I have slept during the day yesterday, as I mentioned previously. But I can’t sleep. All because of a stupid wire.

I am also now in more pain than I was earlier from trying to look for something I don’t really need. I don’t think this is helping in my lack of ability to sleep at this time of night.

It doesn’t even matter, at 5am this doesn’t matter, and yet. Why can’t I find it.