Image Description: A black, grey, white and purple heart with the text “International Asexuality Day April 6”
There are many variations in the definition of Asexuality but my preferred understanding is that those who are Asexual experience sexual attraction on a different scale to allosexuals in society. This includes Demisexuals and variations in feelings of sexual attraction that Asexuals can feel.
Speaking personal my Asexual journey was very difficult. Mostly because I didn’t want to live up the dangerous stereotype of a disabled person not being interested in sex.
Eventually after exploring the sub labels of AsexualityI found a label that fit too well to ignore. Sub labels exist to be tools to help you describe who you are or your experiences, not to limit yourself to definitions of words. For me they are life changing.
Happy International Asexuality Day to all my Ace Aces out there. You’re valid. You’re seen. You’re not broken. 🖤🩶🤍💜
One thing I like about these prompts is that as someone who is a writer or who wants to be a writer I don’t know what you call me to be honest, they really get me thinking. Sometimes these prompts get me thinking about things that I don’t think they were intended for. Now would be one of those times.
This prompt got me thinking about my sexuality. For me, my sexuality is very important, I know I’ve said it before, but I am asexual. Well, it’s a little bit more complicated than that, but that’s the simplest way to understand it and all that really matters for this post.
Not that anything outside of the binary is easily accepted in society, but asexuality is often treated by those that don’t know what it is as the label people use when they just haven’t found the right person. Honestly, I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean, but that’s a different argument for another day and another post.
In reality, someone who is asexual simply does not experience sexual attraction in the way that an allosexual person does. This is the broadest definition of the term and the when I like to go with as it is the most inclusive. I believe that asexuality is a unique sexual orientation in the fact that everyone experiences it differently. So unless I am explicitly talking about my own experiences of asexuality, I like to stick to this broad definition.
But in this post, I kind of am talking about my own experiences of asexuality. And for me, my sexuality is tied into my disability quite a lot. This link between my sexuality and my disability is actually part of the reason why I remained closeted even myself for years.
Historically disabled people have been treated as default asexual. With many people struggling to understand why a disabled person would even have, or have the capability to have sex. This is part of the infantilisation of disabled people. That labels us as children. Therefore society struggles to see us as sexual in anyway.
So I didn’t want to be asexual. I didn’t want to feed into this harmful stereotype. So I tried to convince myself that I was allosexual. And this is where we get the link to this writing prompt, because when I think about what I could try for the first time, I’m reminded of how I thought the answer this question was sex.
I genuinely believed that if I could make myself have sex I would somehow get over not wanting to have it. And without getting in to too much detail for me I was willing to consider this even if this involved drugs. In fact for many years I thought this would be the only way it would even be possible.
And still in this I never considered that I may simply just not desire sex and that was okay. As a disabled person I was so focused on not letting anything stop me from being a ‘normal’ person that I was willing to cause myself harm.
Thankfully I came to my senses, discovered some mirolabels that worked for me, and am now a lot happier. I have now realised that my sexuality is about me and not other people.
So I guess this post is just a reminder that just because you could try doing something for the first time doesn’t mean you have to. Trying things for the first time can be amazing if that is what you want to do. But make sure it is what you want to do and not simply what others are telling you you should want to do.
Also the bonus reminder that it’s okay to live up to a stereotype if that’s simply who you are. Who you are is about you and no one else.
I can’t remember if I’ve stated this explicitly on this blog before, but I’m Aegosexual. This is a subset of Asexuality.
A better definition of the term can be found here. But the way I understand the term personally is that as soon as I become part of the sexual situation I am no longer interested in it. The other way I describe this is a disconnect between myself and sex.
The reason this is my favourite word is because of what finding this term did to me personally. It made my sexuality make sense.
It’s confusing to know you have some interest in sex but don’t actually want that. In an allosexual world that views desire and action as interchangeable.
If you’d like me to write a little more on Asexuality and my experiences of it let me know.
As someone who is both disabled and Asexual I struggled with my own secuality because of stereotypes like this that are forced onto the disabled community. I knew that they were harmful and therefore I didn’t want to live up with them. This involved a lot of convincing myself that I wasn’t Asexual when in fact the opposite was true.
Image Description: Comic STRIP A Day in the Life of a PWD (Person With a Disability)
A woman in a power wheelchair is talking with a doctor. DOCTOR: Well…we don’t need to do a pregnancy test, obviously…
I may write a little more about this later. But just your reminder that disabled people can have sex and they can also not have sex, in reality their decision is none of your business.
SIDE NOTE: Today is the anniversary of when I came out to myself as Asexual after finding the label of Aegosexuality fit very well for me. Happy Anniversary to me!🩶🖤🤍💜
If I could speak to my teenage self, I should tell her it’s okay to let her disability effect her. That she doesn’t have to push herself to be better than my disability, and equal in society. That she matters as a disabled person, not just as a person.
Now while also of this is valid in every context. There is a specific reason I say this.
I am Asexual.
This is the Asexual Flag, it is four thick lines of colour, starting with Black at the top. Black: Asexuality. Grey: Grey-Asexuality and Demisexuality. White: The presence of Sexual Attraction. Purple: Community.
The very basic definition of this refers to a person who does not feel sexual attraction. But as the actual spectrum of Asexuality I prefer to say that someone who is Asexual doesn’t feel sexual attraction the same way that someone who is Allosexual does. An Allosexual person refers to someone who feels sexual attraction in the way defined as typical by the rest of sociey.
Being Asexual is complicated as a lot of people don’t view it as a valid sexuality. Being a disabled Asexual person is a little more complicated due to our sexual history as disabled people.
So I would tell my teenage self that there is nothing wrong with her for not wanting sex, that sex doesn’t define you or anyone else as a person. And that no amount of pretending you want sexual intimacy will ever make things comfortable for you. And even though this may be in part because of your body and the way it works physically, that does not make you any less valid as a person, a disabled person or an asexual person. You will find where you belong in the sexualised world around you I promise.
This one might not be strictly about inacessiblity. But as an Aegosexual Asexual the Allosexual world is pretty inacessible to me. Sorry I know that’s a stretch.
I won’t get into this more in this post. But if you have any questions about what I’ve asked. Feel free to ask them and I can always do another post.
The Aegosexual Flag. The colours have the same meaning as the Asexual Flag but the shape is different. The rectangle is the same but there is an inverted triangle in the Ace colours with black at the bottom on top of it.
My Inaccessible Life 