Category: My Writing

My personal writings, not always related to my disability.

Chocolate

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My WritingLeave a comment

What snack would you eat right now?

At least that’s what I said even though it wasn’t really what I wanted. What I actually wanted wasn’t even food, but a lot of the time I don’t feel like the things I want are important enough for me to ask for. \

What I really wanted was for my little girls polar bear teddy to be moved so that it sits over her urn correctly. I don’t think really that’s too much for me to ask for, but I know that the person helping me will think that it is. So I felt I had to make up something more acceptable that I needed there help with, like the fact I wanted some chocolate.

That is one thing I’ve learnt after having a lifetime of help from others, people will judge you for the things you need help with. They might still do the things you ask them to do but they will be very strange about it, and if you ask for to many things that fall into the category, they will simply choose not to help you anymore.

When you need a lot of help from others, you have to have your life run by them. It all ultimately comes down to what they will actually do for you, if they say no, then you are stuck.

I don’t think people really understand what that is like until it happens to them. It is really hard to grasp what it is really like to have everything in your life controlled, and as a result at least in some way judged by other people.

It’s difficult to believe I have a right to have a say in anything in my life, when I know anything ultimately comes down to others. That is why I struggle when people ask me what I want in any situations, because it just feels like that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Anyway, as for now I have the chocolate, so I’m going to eat some now at least.

I want to write.

On By Katy DalyIn My Writing4 Comments

I think I want to write. I can feel the ideas, feel the words. But for some reason I can’t put my pen to paper, even the virtual sense. So I resort what I always resort to at these times, to writing thing about writing.

They say you should write what you feel, and I guess when you experience writers block, writing about writers block makes sense. But I don’t know if I have writers block. I don’t know if I really understand what writers block actually is. And I don’t think trying to understand whether or not I actually have writers block, will help me with the whole writing thing.

Why is it so hard to do the things you really want to do?

It’s the only thing I know that just maybe I’m any good at, why can’t I just do it?

The irony of me being informed after I posted this, that this is my 500th post on this blog is not lost on me.

Opening my laptop

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My WritingLeave a comment

The last post I wrote here was on my difficulties writing, and now that I’ve opened my laptop, I feel like in a way I could write more. That got me wondering if my biggest issues is opening my laptop? Like a more techy version of struggling to pick up your pen, I suppose. Once it’s in your hand, the hardest part is over.

So maybe once I open my laptop, or perhaps more specifically the file I’m working on, the hardest part is over. Who knows?

All this said, as I sit here writing this, despite my increased motivation to do so, I can feel the fatigue setting in my body. Despite only having been awake a couple of hours, I know that I could really do with a nap. But i don’t want to put that need to nap on the person I live with. We’re watching something together, and I don’t want to destry, I mean I don’t want my fatigue to destroy what we are doing. I know they will be okay with me sleeping, but it being something that feels so out of my control, doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty. If I’m completely honest it makes me feel more guilty.

It’s an odd feeling, being both motivated to write, and fatigued at the same time. My brain feels wired, with words and ideas. It feels like breathing to get them out, to see them on a screen, to get some sort of release. Like I don’t even have to try to get it done. But my body feels tired, like I can’t keep up with the words I want to write. Like my body didn’t sleep last night, even though ny brain did,

This isn;t how I always experience fatigue, just how I’m experiencing it right now. The physical slowness, tiredness, is always there. However the mental tiredness comes and goes with the fatigue. Sometimes my brain feels just as tired as my body, and that is actually easier to deal with. At least everything I am feeling then is on the same page, right now it all feels to different to suceed at at.

I have so many ideas that I want to get out, but right now it feels harder to get the words out over the tiredness.

I just need a nap, sorry.

Disconnection.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My Writing, Writing PromptsLeave a comment

You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?

A story that doesn’t quite fit together.

As a sentence on its own own, this makes no sense. Which I suppose could be said to defeat this purpose of this writing prompt. But to me, this just seems perfect.

It seems like the perfect way to describe a life that has felt like it never ended up with anything. My mind always seems and a different page page to my body, and I really don’t know where my heart is half to time. But it seems to be the prevailing theme of my life, that these areas, nor any areas will ever line up.

Did you ever play that game where you would draw the top half of something, a person maybe, or write the first sentence of a story. Then you would fold over the page and hand it to the next person to draw or write the next part. And so on until you had a completed, drawing or a completed story. Then you would read the story out loud, or look at the drawing, and laugh.

You would always laugh at them nonsense that would be produced. When the person before I had no idea what had been written drawn. When the next step seemed to be off kilter with the previous.

My entire life, kind of feels like that.

I can’t say I have a bad life. There are some really great parts. But I always get a sense that I’m living a life that was never supposed to be mine.

I don’t mean that in the sense that I believe someone else should have had to deal with my difficulties. I’m frequently glad that while those around me have their own struggles, they aren’t the ones I have.

I mean it in the sense that it feels like I mind or a soul like mine wasn’t built for the life I have no choice but to lead.

Does that make sense?

Does it sound selfish? Is it selfish? I honestly don’t know.

But that’s where I got the opening sentence for my autobiography from. Or more accurately, I suppose the opening idea.

Interestingly, even my sexuality found itself fitting into this area. Despite that being a lot more difficult to figure out in many ways. And yet it sometimes feels like the only part of my life that makes any kind of sense, and as in any way within my control. But I have to be very careful with exploring that as I can easily get sidetracked.

While I know that my life will never slot into the life I feel I should have had. I can only hope that one day it at least slots together, and begins to feel like one life. That I begin to feel like one person, rather than several parts of a person that will never quite meet.

Why do I try to post daily?

On By Katy DalyIn Blog, My Disability Truth, My Writing2 Comments

If you actually read my blog regularly, which I thank you very much for by the way. Then you’ll notice I try to post something daily, occasionally though I will admit that I have backdated a post or two. But you may also have noticed that some of posts have more substance than others.

This is because I have more motivation to write on some days than others. But I force myself to write something, anything, almost daily. And yes writing this post about writing posts is me trying to write something with zero motivation or idea what to write about.

I do this because despite how difficult I find it write some says writing is freedom to me. Writing sometimes feels like the only outlet I have in life, the only level playing field that I have.

I love to write. I feel sometimes that I need to write, and yet sometimes that I can’t write. So writing something daily, is better than writing nothing. There was a time when I wrote nothing, and it was a very emotionally dark time in my life. At least it’s putting words to paper, or screen to be more accurate.

From what I’ve read in the writers groups I’m in, I suppose you could say I have a major case of writers block. I want to write so badly, I have all the ideas. But I often lack the motivation to work on my ideas, or worse the physical and/or emotional energy.

When I do have the motivation but I lack the energy, I feel like my body has yet again betrayed me, in the only thing I feel I’m supposed to be good at.

I’m disabled after all.

But every word, every sentence, every post is me trying. Trying not to let the doubts or my body win. Trying to do something that I enjoy, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Drafts.

On By Katy DalyIn My WritingLeave a comment

As I guess is the same for most people, there is in fact many unwritten posts in my drafts that I really need to write.

If you write anything, I think the easiest thing to say about writing is it’s hard to actually write.

Sometimes I think maybe it’s because I put so much pressure on myself with writing. It feels like maybe writing is the only thing I’m any good at, and it’s not like I’m very good at it. But I really don’t want to loose the joy of writing again.

I don’t think this is something within my control and I am trying though. We’ll just have to see where it goes I guess.

Doesn’t this depend on what you class a personal item? And money.

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Name the most expensive personal item you’ve ever purchased (not your home or car).

I could easily list my phone and my laptop and probably my TV, I say probably with my TV just because of how long I’ve had it I don’t remember how much it actually cost.

Then this things like my wheelchair, which, though is mine, I did not purchase and so would not fit the criteria of the question. But I don’t know if this is something the question simply didn’t consider, or if I’m just completely overthinking. I’m probably just overthinking.

Next comes my pets and everything I’ve gotten for them, and the cost them and caring for them, they are worth every penny. But I really don’t like to think of them as items, they’re my babies.

So I guess that leaves me with my laptop is the most expensive item that I purchased myself. So really this question isn’t that complicated to answer, but I do think it is interesting.

I find the specifications of this question interesting. The way it clarifies that a house and car do not count, as well as the item must be something you’ve purchased, is it interesting to say the least.

The question comes a lot of preconceived ideas about how much money the person will have who is answering it. The idea of ever being able to buy my own house or car is completely beyond what I am financially, capable of. I may be able to buy a car in the future, but in all honesty to own my own home is simply unthinkable.

It is the assumption that you will have the money required to do this, that surprises me. This is reinforced by you being the one purchasing the item, which again also requires money.

This isn’t even something I get to discover.

On By Katy DalyIn My Disability Truth, My WritingLeave a comment

How much would you pay to go to the moon?

I wouldn’t pay any amount of money, as I don’t think I really want to go to the moon.

I say think as I’m honestly not 100% sure. When you’re disabled and you’re asked about a question massively impacted by your disability it can be hard to answer the question honestly. I think sometimes my brain tells me that I don’t want to do some of the things I can’t do for my own sake. As wanting things I can never have all of the time is emotionally difficult to deal with.

But, like I said whether I want it or not, this type of question isn’t even something I get to really think about. I’m to busy thinking about getting the difficult things in life to even consider somewhere else entirely.

I don’t want the money to go to the moon. I want the money to have a home that’s accessible to me. I want the money to not have to worry about bills. I want a solid income to live a comfortable life. The same as most of us out there. I don’t really want the money to go to the moon.

Additionally this planet isn’t accessible to me, why would the moon be?

I can’t actually think of a person

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When you think of the word “successful,” who’s the first person that comes to mind and why?

Success is relative. If you’re doing the best you can with your life, then I think you’re successful. And that of course means that success means different things to different people. I prefer it that way.

Call me to nice for my own good if you like but I think we should get to determine whether we are successful ourself. Predetermined ideas of what it means to be successful, also means that there are predetermined ideas of what it means to be unsuccessful, and it’s this that I don’t really like.

I think that so long as your are doing something with your life, there is never a way that you can be unsuccessful.

I think higher-arching successful lives to be above what is determined as an unsuccessful life. This can only cause harm.