I can’t avoid them forever and I know that, when I’m with them I don’t even want to.

But when I’m on my own, thinking about meeting with people, leaving the house just seems like to much. It’s always worth it in the end, and locally I know that, but it doesn’t make it easy.

I don’t know if this anxiety comes from growing up disabled, or if it would just be a part of me anyway. It’s impossible to know having grown up disabled, which parts of me or my experiences would be different if I wasn’t disabled. But I suspect or maybe some part of me hopes, that it would be.

Growing up in the world, that is an accessible to you, can often feel like you’re growing up in the world that was made specifically to be inaccessible to you. Your existence in that world is nothing more than an annoyance to those around you. That’s a hard thing to deal with every day of your life for the rest of your life. It’s one of those feelings, that’s always there, even though it’s usually in the background and I can ignore it. but I do have a feeling that the residual existence of this feeling is what causes the anxiety that I’m left dealing with at the moment.

Either way I’m stuck what I have now. And let’s just say that’s a dislike of being around people, and sometimes even leaving the house.

I really wish I didn’t feel that way, that I could just go out without feeling like I didn’t want to. That I could want to go out.

But either way I will, and I know, I will have a good time when I do it. It’s just the feeling leading up to it, the anxiety, the fear of being judged, that I have to learn to deal with.

Sorry people. I’m trying.