Sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking about what my life might be like if I wasn’t disabled. The life I may have been able to live if things were different, if the world that I live in, became accessible to me.

It’s nice sometimes to let my imagination wander, but I do wonder if I do it to much. I do wonder if I spend to much time thiking about what could be, and if it causes me more harm than good. No amount of time thinking about things maybe being different is actually going to make the world accessible to me. No amount of staring at a steps is going to turn them into ramps. This is paraphrasing of a quote by Ali Tanaka, if you want to look into it more. No amount of focusing on not being disabled, is going to make me not be disabled. But the world is hard, and sometimes you end up there.

I know that logically I need to focus on my reality, focus on today, on where I am now. To make the best of a bad situation, as it were. And some days I can do that no problem, some days I know my life relative speaking is pretty good. Other times I’m really struggling with the idea of existing for the rest of my life as me.

I’ve tried to do something with my life, to make the best of it. But there’s only so many times you can fight against the inacessability of the world around you, before you wonder why you even try. But I deal with things the best I can, as we all do.

The funny thing, that isn’t really funny, is how I get judged by people who don’t know me for how I deal with life. A post like this would be called to negative, even though ofren it’s more real than the positivity I feel forced to disaplay to the world. Honesty itsn’t something people tend to want out of you when your disabled.

When I started this post I knew where I was going with it, but the more I have written, the less I have been sure. Sorry, I’m trying.