Don’t worry, this someone is expected and they’re only stating the night. But I get a bit uneasy having strangers in the house, even when they’re expected.

I feel like they’re judging me. Testing me on how good I am at being disabled. That’s how I feel when I am out in public. But my home is supposed to be my safe space, it isn’t that when they’re strangers in it.

It’ll be okay, I know it’ll be okay but I don’t have to like it.

This is when I feel antisocial. It’s not that I don’t want to be around people it’s that I don’t want to be around people in my safe space. Logically, I know that it’s okay, that I feel this way, that it makes sense. But it might not make sense in the way that my behaviour plays out as a result.

I didn’t even leave my room when they came. I figured it was better that I stayed out of the way. And maybe deep down, that’s why I don’t like to be around people, because I just don’t want to be in there way.

Maybe this adds to me looking disabled. Disabled people don’t want to be around other people after all. It makes sense that I would fulfil another stereotype, whether I like it or not.

By the time this post is published they’ll have gone. They’ll go and things will go back to normal. And I can be as antisocial as I want in my own home.

I can go back to being as close to being alone as I can be, and try to convince myself I like it better that way. Maybe if I actually keep convincing myself that it will be true one day, and at least that part of my life won’t feel like such a contradiction.