I know that’s a weird statement, but bear with me a second. I’ve posted several times about the disconnected feel between my body and my mind, and that can make who I am feel inaccessible to me.

Like I’m never going to get to be the person I’m supposed to have been. Or myself if that’s any different. I’m that alone, doesn’t mean that my life is any less than anyone else’s as I make the best of it. It can put a lot of pressure on the life I lead now, make the decisions I make my life more important.

Failure hits harder when you have less chances to win.

My brain hasn’t got up with the idea that my body means there are less choices for me in society. And honestly, I’m not sure that it ever will. I think as a result who I am supposed to be is never going to feel reachable to me as a result. And who I’ve ended up being doesn’t feel like who I was supposed to be.

This is something that I think people understand a little more when there’s a visible change in someone’s circumstances. When the illness or disability is sudden and the effects noticeable. It’s seems like grief can be understood when change is involved. When it’s something you’ve had to deal with all your life, people seem to think you’ve already adjusted to it, so they’d be no grief involved.

But there is. And it’s valid.

Life involves a lot of grief that is hard for people that haven’t experienced it to understand. But that doesn’t make the feelings they feel less valid.