So I found out today that I didn’t get on the course I applied for. The reason I didn’t get on was to do with the ability to support me in the area I wanted to study not because of my own qualifications or ability.

It has made me sad I won’t pretend it hasn’t. But these things do happen, and I’m a firm believer that it will all work out in the end.

That said, when you disabled your options, are already limited by living in such an inaccessible world. So when you go for something and don’t get it. You feel like you don’t have any alternatives available.

I can’t just apply for any job, I can’t just go and work another field. I can’t even seem to get working in my own field.

Right now, I feel like I have no options. Academia is the only place I felt like I had any control and chance of success. And to not be allowed to continue what I wanted to do, and not through any fault of my own. It’s just difficult to accept I think.

I really want to do something with my life. The rest of the world either doesn’t want me to do anything or doesn’t seem to care if I do anything. Except my dad. And it’s nice to have his support. He doesn’t realise how complicated the world is to be a part of when you’re disabled. So sometimes this support can feel like pressure.

I feel like I’m the only one fighting for myself. And I’m not sure how to do that right now.

I’ll pick myself up and I’ll try again. But I just need to be a little bit sad for awhile.