What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

And how sad is that, when you really think about it.

I think the hardest goal I’ve set for myself is one I set accidentally, and one I will never reach.

For me, though I don’t like to admit it, being normal is synonymous with being non-disabled. And while I am aware that I can’t be non disabled, sometimes I try to be as close to that as a can be.

Sometimes I think this is why I push myself so hard in day to day life. As I’m trying my best to be the most normal, non disabled me, I can be.

And it’s not that I want to be able to walk or really not to be disabled. It’s everything else that comes along with that normality. It’s accessibility and inclusion. It’s a place to belong in the world.

And the ableism and exclusion in the world around me, mean that I have translated this into being non disabled.

So while I know that I’m going to fail in this unreachable goal of mine. Whether I like it or not I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to get as close to it as possible. And I know logically that this is bad, that it’s letting the internalised ableism win. But unfortunately for me it’s also productive, which makes it hard to resist doing.

I just want to succeed, which I don’t think is a bad thing. But how I get there might end up being bed for me in the long run. But as what I’m doing now works, I guess future me will just have to figure all that out when it happens.