What may or may not be clear from my posts is that I don’t normally consider the title for them, but in this case I did. Writing this post is definitely me procrastinating writing the things I should be writing. But maybe just maybe writing this post will aid me in the writing I should be doing, but I guess we will find out once this post is finished and I get back to it. It’s funny how when you can’t write about one thing you are able to write about others, but this I suppose isn’t really relevant right now and may just all be part of my procrastination.

So, we had a moment this evening with what we think was a moth in a room and I told my sister to open my windows to see if it would leave, and I’m telling myself that it did. But anyway, as my sister was opening my bedroom windows that barely get opened, mostly because I’m afraid that we will forget we’ve opened them and leave the house unsecure, but anyway the point being one of them stuck. So, I thought my sister should try the rest of the windows in the house to make sure they also still opened, and one of them didn’t. It’s obviously not that important, as we don’t open the windows, but it is frustrating.

It is one of those frustrating things that I will probably get over at some point in the future, as I often have to do with the things that frustrate me, but it will just take some time.

What frustrates me more than the fact that there’s a problem with something in my house, is that there is a problem with something in my house that I am unable to fix myself. So really more than the frustration at the problem, the issue is the frustration at my own uselessness with the problem.

I feel this very often upset at the things I can’t do. Most people would probably assume that I have gotten used to things I can’t do in life, given the fact that I have not been able to do them since birth, that I have never been able to do them. That idea that you can’t miss what you never had. From my experience this is not true, not true at all. It simply something people tell other people who are struggling with these feelings, a platitude to make the ‘friend’ in the situation feel like they have had some input, like they have solved the problem somehow.

I definitely miss many things I have never had.

Even though I know that there is no point in me feeling this way, I simply do. Knowing that feeling the way you do is only hurting you, is not enough to help you stop feeling that way.

Of all the things I am unable to do, it is not being able to do the little things in life, to solve the minor problems, that cause me the most emotional stress.

I see people online who feel sorry for disabled people not being able to do what they seem to consider the most important things in life, like walking or having sex. Though the sex one I may not get because I’m Asexual rather than disabled, but still people have felt sorry for me as a disabled person presuming, I believe myself unable to have sex, rather than someone who does not want to. I could honestly write a whole post on Asexuality and Disability, or at least my experiences of it, but we’ll leave it there for now.  

The point I am trying to make is: It does not bother me that I cannot walk, it does bother me that I can’t open a stuck window.

Not being able to do the little things in life is a real emotional struggle for me, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I guess it’s just something that I will have to try to deal with, or at least cope with.

Anyway, for now I’m going to try to get back to the writing I should be doing. Wish me luck with it, I think I need it.